Feels Like 9

Every morning rain, snow or shine my girls and I ride bikes to take Emily a mile round trip to school at 8:30 in the morning. Kevin repeats the ritual at 3:20 to pick Emily back up from school. We do this to get by on one vehicle while we patiently endure these difficult financial times, all awaiting Kevin's successful completion in getting his BA in Physics.


When I woke this morning I figured today would be no different. We have ridden to school in the snow, on the ice, in the rain, the snow, wind, and heat. But I also did not check the temperature before heading out. I prepared the bikes, Emily came outside to wait for me while I helped Lydia get her coat on. When Lydia and I came outside all bundled and ready to leave I found Emily standing on the steps not even budging. We hadn't even left the safety of the stairwell of our apartments and Emily was already crying, frozen like a Popsicle, exactly where I left her when I went to help Lydia. I encouraged the girls gently and lovingly to just get on their bikes and peddle, that they would feel better once they were moving.


With every rotation of the bike peddles a big tear drop would streak their red, frozen cheeks. They were trying so hard to be brave and strong and help me by just getting to school. They could not take the cold, they are so young and little. I had not realized the effect the cold would have on them. We continued all the way to the school. And the entire way they cried and cried and cried some more. And I continued to coax, encourage, and severely apologize.


I remembered back to when I was a kid and walked 2 miles to my school in snow, rain, and freezing winds. Missouri is much more humid and the wind there in the winter cuts like knives straight through any protective gear you might be wearing. This morning felt just like it did when I was a kid. I did my best to keep my spirits up and not give into the bitterness of the morning weather. I avoided looking too closely at my children and their chapping lips and cheeks, I avoided paying to close of attention at how slowly they peddled their bikes due to frozen legs and toes, I avoided hearing their cries and pleadings to go back home, not because I have a cold heart or because I am insensitive, but because I could not stand the pain I was putting my sweet girls through. They should not have to do this. All the while I was peddling to school I was wracking my brain trying to think up some way to avoid this same ordeal on future wintry mornings and still get by on one vehicle.


On the way back home from dropping Emily off at school we passed by a young girl bundled up from head to toe, all you could see were her eyes. I said to Lydia, "now isn't riding a bike faster than walking? We could be walking and we would be even more cold." She replied with the most ingenious answer, "No! Riding in a car would be faster!"


The moment we got home I stripped Lydia's winter wear off and stuck her in my bed, which to her is the coziest of all the beds, bundled her up like a burrito in my blankets and went outside to finish putting away the bikes. Not even a minute had gone by when I heard blood curdling screams coming from inside. I ran in and found her at my bathroom sink just bawling her little eyes out, her hands bright red and frozen. All she wanted to do was run them under the water to defrost them but she couldn't turn the water on. I assisted in melting her hands and comforted her all the while. Once her hands were feeling better I wrapped her back up in my bed and went back out to finish putting bikes away. My heart felt like her hands. I wanted my heart to stop hurting for my daughters, I wanted their pain to go away, but I had absolutely no idea how to fix this, aside from some warm blankets and snuggles. How will we face those future winter mornings on bike or foot? I would do fine, but they would not. Lydia kept wishing it were hot. Hot weather is all my girls know. This bitter cold is so new to them.


Once the bikes were put away in the storage closet I went in to Lydia, we snuggled up in my bed and read a condensed version of Oliver Twist. What an appropriate book to read, and yet at the same time was incredibly humbling. We have a house, we have electricity, we have a heater that works, we have food, warm clothes to cover our bodies, we have bikes that work and do get us where we need to go much faster, we have each other, we have finances to meet our needs.

For an hour Lydia and I remained snuggled up in my bed defrosting our back sides, toes, and hands. I think that the time with each other defrosted us much faster than any warm blanket ever could.


To top off my worries of more days like these I got an update phone call from my father who lives in Missouri. Sunday, early morning, all of my home town lost power do to a huge ice storm that all of the area was inflicted with. I immediately arranged for my parents to stay at a Marriott hotel with my discount. Today I learned that the hotel had lost all power on Monday and my parents were once again staying in an uncomfortable situation. Power is still out at their home and there is a tree branch in their dining room ceiling. The house temperature is 38 degrees and they cannot stay at the hotel because it was all sold out beyond the two days I was able to get them. One of my sisters who lives close by too lost power and stayed at her in laws house until their house caught on fire due to a closed flew in the fire place. I have another sister that lives a little further out. She has power, a fire place, and plenty of room. Sounds like there will be a bit of a gathering at her house until things clear up. We are all supposed to get together in just 2 weeks for a family get together. Apparently another storm is due this evening. My heart goes out to all of them and their suffering. I wish there was somethind I could do.


These past few weeks I have been really miserable and wallowing in that misery because I am a spoiled selfish brat. These past few days have opened my eyes to how truly blessed myself and my family really are. Now all these trials of mine don't seem so huge, they seem trivial. I want to do something to ease the suffering of all the many people who have so much less than I. So, although the temperature outside was actually 19 degrees, with the wind chill making it feel like 9, I know I can make it through my first winter here in Boise, with more sensitivity to others and the fact that life could always be much worse.

A list with no resolve

I recently made a pros and cons list involving the choice that I have made...the choice to work outside my home. It was a difficult decision that together my husband and I made. The initial decision was very difficult, but with love and hope and faith I leaped and I continue to every single day. But the difficult part I want to discuss is the list. I must openly and full-heartily admit that the working life is not for me. I love to be home. So, back to my list, it obviously consisted of 2 columns, the pros and cons, of what?...returning home. The list of pros to come back home full time was enormous. The spiritual and emotional and intellectual list of returning home so strongly outweighed my cons list of 2 items! But when I logically looked at both lists (if you could call 2 items a list!) those 2 items were very heavy. They weighed heavily on my mind, my heart, even my body. But then I looked back at my long list of "whys" to return home full time and saw that those items out weighed the other list by 10 fold, spiritually and emotionally and intellectually. Why could my list of 2 cons weigh so heavily on me? These 2 items are so temporal and superficial and my heart says they do not matter in the eternal perspective of things. But HOW I ask can I assist my family in obtaining our ultimate goals without those 2 items? How do I look past all the many pros of remaining home, the things that make my heart swell, and accept the fact that the only way to survive this current trial I am in is by continuing to work? And while I struggle with this extreme war inside my whole soul my little family continues to slip and fall. I stop to pick them up, I go to work, I stop to pick them up, I go to work. I am exhausting myself with my own life. I feel as though I am trying to climb a mountain of tiny pebbles all while trying to keep my family from falling all the way to the bottom. Of course I am not alone, my husband is by my side but it seems that while we are both struggling to keep our footing the other is falling and we are teetering back and forth between who is the temporarily strong one keeping the other one up while also holding onto Emily and Lydia. The decision before me is dizzying. And while I know that both choices are very important I cannot help but think one is far more crucial to the survival of my family. But, which I do not know. I feel so alone in this struggle. I feel that my prayers and pleading are pointless, that I am required to suffer until I get a clue, which to me seems like never.

Have you ever read the book A Wrinkle In Time? There is a part, the major part, that is about this force that wants to control everyone and make them perfect by making all their choices for them and making their life easier by taking away all that frustration and confusion that comes with life. It is called IT. I find myself actually being draw to this fictional IT. But is it really all that fictional? I find that so often I just want the pain, the darkness that clouds my mind, the coldness in my spirit, the doubt and fear, to just go away. I just want someone to come and take it away. Doesn't that seem so much easier?

If I could have my way I would live the rest of my life serving my family, by NOT working outside my own sweet little home!

SNOW!

This morning minutes before going out the door for school Kevin yells, "HURRY! It's snowing!" We all ran and put on our coats and shoes and flew out the door to capture the first snow that Emily and Lydia had ever seen! Living on tropical islands all their young lives kind of took away this one magical moment in a child's life.

The snow came down in chunks! I showed the girls how to catch a "chunk" on their tongues. They could hardly do it with out the whole sky seeming to fall in their little faces. They laughed, danced, and squealed as the snow fell harder all around them.

Every morning we ride our bikes to school because Kevin usually has our one vehicle with him at school. Kevin was home on Tuesday, he figured that day should be no different! So, we tried to ride our bikes in the snow. That was hilarious. Kevin and I were having fun but the girls, especially Lydia did not like it at all. Lydia just cried and whined the block that we actually peddled. The snow was blowing so hard in her face she couldn't see a foot in front of her face. So, we turned around and Kevin drove Emily to school. By the time we got the bikes put away and the car started the snow had stopped and was already melting, and rather fast I must add.

We sure had fun while it lasted! We look forward to another adventure in snow, well, maybe, well, most of us do. I think Emily and Lydia would rather do without the snow. They thought it was fun for like 10 minutes. I didn't expect them to have so much fun that they would never want to come inside again, but I did think they would have wanted to play in it longer than the few minutes that they did. I remember as a kid building forts, burying myself in it like people do with sand on a beach, and staying out for hours. It got to the point I was so numb to the cold that I didn't notice it any more. Some day maybe Emily and Lydia will too. I grew up with cold weather, they have spent their few years on beaches and beside pools. Oh, the poor deprived children! I actually would much rather that scene over the winter scene, I think Emily and Lydia do as well. Especially seen as how they both, shortly after the fun in the snow experience, said, I miss Okinawa!

Much Needed Date

Kevin and I haven't been on a date in ages! My good friend kept Lydia for us so we could go goof off for a bit. First we went ice skating. This was only my second time to go ice skating. There was only 4 of us on the rink, so it was quite fun to have it pretty much to ourselves. We are quite spazes (is that a word?) on the ice. But we really don't care, well, at least I don't. It felt good to be a kid for a little while. Remember the last time I goofed off and wanted to act like a kid again? Well, it pretty much happened again, minus the somersault. Kevin and I fell so many times that our elbows and knees were black and blue when we finished. But like I always say, "if you don't get hurt you are not playing hard enough". That saying goes for work as well. The morning after our ice skating adventure my neck hurt so bad! I couldn't believe that all the money I spent on a chiropractor just got flushed down the toilet! At least now I know a few tricks to be a bit more comfortable. I also can't believe how OLD I feel. These several past injuries are really reminding me that I am not getting younger and I need to give myself a real good kick in the behiney and get back in shape or else I won't make it to 40. I was just whining to Kevin today that I will end up being 35 and confined to a couch eating potato chips. I cannot have that! He threatened to take away all of my strenuous extra curricular activities if I continue to injure myself. And that definitely cannot happen. I just don't know what I will do if I cannot goof off every once in a while!

See how happy I am when I am with Kevin being silly? I want to be like this more. This date awakened something in not only me but Kevin as well. We are too young still to be so serious all the time. I think it is not healthy. I am making it more of a point to goof off on a more regular basis. It could be tickling Emily or giving Lydia a horsey ride home from school, or even out of the blue tackle Kevin. But no matter what I will not act my age 24/7 one day longer. I have once again been reminded of how important it is to continue to date the person you marry. This date brought Kevin and I closer. I have missed him. I have missed the sparks that fly when we are together. An older woman at the rink practicing approached me in Kevin's absence asked me how long we had been together...March will mark out 8 year wedding anniversary! She thought we were adorable and it made her miss her new love interest. I sure do love Kevin. He is the love that I always dreamed of as a youth. He is the friend I always called out for. I am so thankful he heard me calling out for him.

This video isn't has hilarious as it was supposed to be. This is my attempt at figure skating. Do you think I should go pro?
Kevin accidentally stopped the camera right before I gracefully fell into the most perfect spread eagle on my back sort of move! It really was graceful too. I just laid there laughing and freezing to death. Getting up was harder than falling!

All tied up

It was the afternoon of a rather quiet day, Kevin and I were sitting at the table just visiting for a bit before I had to go to work. Then, out of no where bursting through our quiet conversation Emily came running into the room, "Hurry Lydia is stuck and needs help" she said dramatically. I figured it was nothing serious so I stayed put while Kevin checked out the damage. He came back within seconds with a huge grin and whispering "come quickly". I reluctantly got up, I was not feeling good and did not want to deal with some thing ridiculous that Lydia got herself into. I came around the corner of the girls' room and could not contain the laugh that exploded out of me. With that Lydia too exploded, but not with laughter. She got so upset that she started pull and kicking and screaming. She had taken Emily's sweater tie and used it to tie her legs to the bed, in the process of her fit she pulled the sweater tie so hard that it had tightened even more around her legs. I couldn't get the knots out because one, they were so tight around her legs and second, she wouldn't stop kicking and pulling on the tie. Kevin ran and grabbed me scissors and I gently had to push the sharp scissors between the extremely tight tie and her swelling ankles. Once the tie had been cut off both legs I rubbed Lydia's ankles and she calmed down enough to answer this question, "what on earth did you do that for!?"

This is the best part! "I wanted to climb the rope to the top of the bunk bed but in case I fell I didn't want to fall all the way to the floor so I tied it to my legs." Can you visualize her thought process? I'm sorry but the whole thing still makes me laugh. I am glad that she did not actually get to the point of climbing the rope and that I was able to save her feet from falling off, but this picture is too perfect for future humiliation. And maybe I am a sick and demented mother, but it really cracks me up!

This was hopefully Lydia's one and only attempt at bungee jumping.

Where is the love?

This evening a female guest came in so happy, friendly, talkative. She is a preacher who travels around to various Lutheran churches as a guest preacher. We struck up a conversation so easily. She was warm toward me and we started to have a good visit. Then she asked, "what church do you go to?" Upon me response she looked away and with that her whole demeanor changed. She would hardly look me in the eye. She became brief and to the point "where are my keys", completely opposite of the woman who had first walked in, so friendly toward me. I continued to be friendly and ask her questions about her travels and preaching and even wished her a good sermon in the morning. She wouldn't answer my questions and just simply took her keys and left. I apologized to her for my many questions, I am naturally a curious person.

A woman of faith. A woman of a christian church. A woman who preaches about Jesus and whatever else it is Lutherans believe. Is Christianity not all about following the teachings of Jesus. Did Jesus not teach the first commandment was to love him and second love our neighbor? Are we not all neighbors? Even if we are of different faiths or beliefs? So, a woman who claims to love Jesus, immediately loses all respect for me the moment she learns of my faith? I have the hardest time understanding why there are people out there who behave in such a manner. Even now my mind is going forward and backward and forward again over why? And it is not just about a persons faith preference, people lose respect for others over all sorts of issues. I recall as a youth not loving all people for one reason or another. As I have mentioned in past posts I have become a different person than I was even 7 years ago. I have grown in many ways. This subject of love is one of them. I think that loving other people, no matter how different they may be, ultimately comes down to this one thing...how much do I love myself? The reason I say that is because reflecting back on my younger years I hated a lot, loved very little. And it was because I believed I was nothing, absence of love for one's self. Once I knew who I was, what I was worth (yes, my worth to a Supreme Being), then I had a whole new out look on life and other people. Knowing where you come from, where you are going, makes a huge difference in your outlook on things. That is why I believe that if one is a true follower of Christ they first love Him, I believe you cannot love Him if you do not love yourself and visa verse (confusing I'm sure, that is why these are my thoughts and not yours). Once you have that it is impossible to not love others. Loving comes naturally.

My curiosity is beginning to get the better of me. Why did that woman's attitude change so dramatically toward me just because of my beliefs?

Just a Dream

There is blackness surrounding me, my body seems numb to everything around. I muster everything I have within me just to reach forward, nothing. I have no strength. Wait, there is a light up ahead. It is getting brighter. Suddenly with the most subtle yet amazing force I become aware of my surroundings. Water, why am I in water? I vaguely remember falling in the pool, but what happened, why can't I move? I think I have become a fish, no, that would be silly, but I think I can breath in the water. Of course not, how could I breath underwater? I think I am alive, I think I hear my heart beating. I will try to breath. Yes, if I take very little breaths I will be able to breath like a fish. That is so silly of me, I cannot do that! Alright, I'll try. I think it is working. Now, I just need to get some one's attention and get help. I still cannot seem to move. I must have fallen in hours ago. Why hasn't someone found me yet.
Under the water I hear faint voices, they are growing louder. Yes! Someone has found me. What is that they are saying? I am dead? No, I am not! Please someone pull me out, save me! I feel several hands pulling me out and gently laying me on the ground next to the pool. I sense their gazes yet see no faces. I feel as though their expressions are burning me alive. Almost as if on cue I am able to move, but this is not how I want to be moving. Why am I shaking so uncontrollably? My whole body seems to be seizing! Oh, what is wrong with me? Everyone around me is in complete shock. I hear their voices but I do not understand, "dead...now sort of alive...somethings not right with her...help...who?"
I cannot speak but I am now gaining more feeling and becoming more aware of my surroundings, I am able to sit up and walk, sort of. I am in a car, where are they taking me. Why does everyone keep looking at me with such fear and horror in their eyes. Will someone please get me blanket? I am freezing, and why am I still shaking?
I recognize this place. This is where I go to church. Why did they bring me here. Who are all these people. A face I do not recognize is right in front of me. This unknown face has hands on my face holding me. I slowly hear, "We...have...brought...you...to..the...elders...they...will...know...what...to...do..."
What to do? What did he mean what to do? I am assisted into the building. More gawking faces and open mouthed stares. Have I turned purple, grown a second head? What is this all about? I am seated at the end of a very long table and there are Elders surrounding me. They are visiting amongst each other and all speaking ceases upon my arrival. The one in charge stands and with some sort of unknown power my shaking calms, my ears are opened. This Man comes around the table, kneels beside me and thus explains, "you have died. For some reason, you are, well, sort of stuck. This is why you are shaking, you cannot hear, you do not have all your senses. Your spirit is lingering when it should not. You are not supposed to be here. You need to move on." He pauses, allowing me time to absorb it all. I speak but with incredible difficulty, "I do not understand, why is this happening?" He continues, "We do not fully understand ourselves. But you are not meant to be here and you need to leave now. Over a hundred years ago an old steam engine train would run through this area. Part of that track runs through this very spot. You must lie here across the spirit of that old track and allow the spirit of the train to take what is left of you away."
"No, No, this cannot be! I don't want to leave, please, No!"
"You must! You are not supposed to be here!"
Tears are pouring from my eyes as if someone just turned on a faucet. The shaking returns, but much worse this time. And once again, I cannot hear. I see the faces of those around me, where is my family? Why have they not come? I scream within myself, no one hears. They gently lay me on the floor and more people gather around. I read their lips and they say "it is time" and "it will be OK". Out of no where I hear a train and feel the shaking of the "spirit tracks" that I am laying across. Fear engulfs me, I cannot stand it any longer. The sounds of the "spirit train" are deafening. "Please stop it now!"
My room is dark, not even a speck of light coming through the windows. "Oh, please let it have been only a very bad dream!" I lay in my bed, unable to move, my eyes moving rapidly across my room looking for some sign of life or light. Nothing. That same feeling of fear has returned with great force, I cannot breath and my chest feels like someone is sitting on it. I call out, "Mom"! Nothing. I call again. And again nothing. I begin to panic and now I feel the only answer is to give into the despair that has engulfed me. I try one more time to call out "MOM!" this time with a force I knew I had not. My Mother and Father both come rushing to my side. My room is filled with a light from the hall. "What is it, what happened" they both ask with wide eyes and a look I'd never seen. "I died" I told them between uneasy breaths and sobs, some might say hysterical. "I died". "And when I woke from the dream, I woke to a sense of deadness in my room. Even a weight was crushing down on my chest". My mother held me as I cried and regained an even breathing pattern. My father said a prayer to give me peace and comfort. I fell asleep in my Mother's arms.

This is a true story. I had this experience about 14 years ago. Though it was so long ago I still see it and feel it as if it just happened. I have never forgotten. It was an experience that causes me to reflect. Not the dream so to speak, but the feeling I had when I woke from the dream. That "crushing feeling" was real. I cannot deny it. I have experienced the feeling of despair and the crushing feeling more than once in my life. I am a fighter, I will not give in.

Senses

The morning before going pumpkin picking Lydia was reflecting on our days in Okinawa and says to me dreamily , "Mom, when can we go tangerine picking again?" Her question provoked longing feelings inside me as well. Okinawa grows a unique tangerine, the best I have ever had. We went every season while living there. Just the smell awakens a deep indescribable feeling within one's sole. That might sound corny but there is no other way to describe this amazing fruit. Just writing about it livens all of my senses. So, to fill this void within each of our hearts I have decided to add a new family picking tradition. We will pick pumpkins. Pumpkins and gourds may not be as fulfilling to all of my senses but it will be just as fun and rewarding in a bonding sense.

I just cannot resist the urge to photograph Lydia. I cannot resist showing off her photos. She inspires me. What I'd give for a high tech, fancy camera and some lessons. I 'd have it clued to me at all times. The thing about Lydia is she makes a great candid subject. But if she knows I am taking her picture she will do something goofy. Can you imagine the photos I could take of her if she never even knew I was there? To have a camera with a super zoom lens I could sit in shadows and just capture every moment of her innocence. I mean not to sound like I favor Lydia. I suppose in a sense I do, photographically speaking only. Emily is opposite of Lydia, she takes nice posed photos, but if I capture her being natural she is usually doing something goofy. Ultimately I have learned that photographing my children requires impeccable timing!

Emily asked me to fix her hair like a water fountain on top of her head. She loved it so much and at the same time couldn't stop laughing at how funny it looked. Lydia asked for one as well, but her hair is much too long to have the same effect of a water fountain. I did my best by just looping it on top of her head. When she looked in the mirror she lost all control. I could not resist getting a photo of their contagious laughs. Even grumpy, serious, old me could not resist the urge to laugh. It may not seem so funny just looking at the photo, but the tears and the squeels were too irresistible. If you look closely you can see the wetness in Emily's eyes. When she really laughs it is so contagious because her laugh is so pure and real. Her whole self is involved in laughing. I smile just thinking about her laugh. Laughter truly is contagious isn't it?

BLAH!

It has been so long since my last post. I am slacking in my life in so many ways. Do you ever feel like that? It is actually exhausting me how far behind I am. I am trying not to think about my slacker attitude right now, it makes me dizzy in a sleepy way. There have been so many things I have wanted to post on here, I just haven't taken the time to do so.

Lydia has been saying some of the funniest things. Example...Last Saturday I sat down with the girls and said, "look around. How does the way the house look make you feel?" Emily answered, "sad, I want to have a nice clean house". Lydia said, "sad, because I don't want to have to clean it". What a crack up. Today we spent some time with a friend of mine in the car. Apparently Lydia and my friend's baby had enough of being in the car because the baby was really upset and Lydia kept whining about wanting to go home so she didn't have to listen anymore. When we got back to our house I had to drag her out of the car. I got after her a little and said, "two seconds ago you were crying about wanting to go home and now I have to drag you to the house. Did Leslie (the upset baby) turn you into a baby?" She snapped "NO CAUSE BABIES DON'T HAVE SPECIAL POWERS!" I laughed so hard she got mad at me for making fun of her. I had to explain to her that I was laughing at what she said, NOT her. Then she said, "nobody has special powers on this planet, only Heavenly Father and Jesus do and they are in heaven."

Let's see, what else...I got to go horse back riding for the first time in a month on Friday. I hadn't been able to ride due to my silly somersault. It was such a wonderful way to start my day. Of course I didn't want it to end. I rode Fat Jack again (by the way his name is Cisco). He did really well for me. I am working on getting him to continue a gallop around the bend of the corral. My friend told me I was doing really well. I'd love to have lessons. She told me I was "posting" really well on the trot. I said, "what's that?" I find horseback riding very natural to me. My friend gives me great pointers, I think it would be awesome to have more!

Kevin has enrolled in his 3rd semester at BSU. I cannot believe he is on his 3rd already! I am so happy that time is slipping by so quickly. The 1st semester was really bad. This one has been really hard on him but the family has adjusted to the "change" in our lives very nicely this semester so it has seemed to me a lot better than the last.

I recently read in my sister in law's blog about blogs being a place to brag. Well, I don't have anything to brag about except my amazing husband. I will brag about him and for him. He is doing so well at balancing his life right now. He has become the most amazing father in the time he gets to spend with Emily and Lydia in the evenings. He hadn't had that the past 7 years. Military lifestyle was really hard on him as far as being a father. He never got to spend time with them the way I did. Now he gets that and he loves it. I love that he loves that. On top of that he is doing so well in school. I am so proud of him. He is taking really difficult classes and he gets up at 2 and 3 in the morning and pulls the best grades. He just joined an honor society and I know he is just going to continue doing well, because he has his priorities straight.

Is that enough bragging? I'll post some photos that I took next time I blog. I know this entry is so ho-hum. I wish my life was not so ho-hum right now. I wish my mind was flooded with deep thoughts and ideas. But to be honest my brain is beat. Who knows why! It isn't like I am doing anything in my life that requires any real brain power!

Food For Thought

Every school day we ride bikes to and from school. Lydia has been learning to start off without leaning on her training wheels to get going (by the way I took them off today and she is doing excellent). I never realized the great effort required in the "start" mode of riding a bike. I found myself losing patience as Lydia was attempting to get this new step of losing her training wheels down to a T. She began to figure out the foot work, but in the process forgot about her arms. She'd get her feet on the peddles but her arms were twisting and turning the bike all over the place and she'd eventually crash or run off the side walk into a tree or get stuck in the grass. She'd get frustrated and blame her bike for screwing up and not working right. I found myself repeatedly telling her, "keep your hands strong on the handle bars, if your arms are strong and steady you will not go off the path". It didn't seem to matter how many times I told her, she'd still crash and she'd still blame the bike, even though her arms were flailing all over the place like wet noodles. I even went to her, held my hands on top of hers and showed her, physically, what her arms were doing and then I'd show her what her arms should be doing. She has finally got it figured out but all yesterday morning I kept thinking about what I told her. How often have I been like a wet noodle, flailing all over the place, crashing, running off track, and blame it on something or someone other than the person who is truly to blame? How often has this happened to me and "someone" came and put their hands on mine and had shown me the proper way? How quickly was I to learn to be steady and strong (certainly not as quickly as Lydia did)?

Happy Moment: Dollar Store Treasure

I ventured to the Dollar Tree, I believe that is what it is called, for the first time today. I was on a mission...to purchase a Halloween bowl for work. When we first moved back to the US we were told that we just had to go to a dollar store. So, we did. We were incredibly disappointed. The store we had gone to had a bunch of junk and was totally disorganized. Mind you we moved here from Okinawa Japan, home of the 100yen store. It is the most amazing store. You could spend hours searching through the many items that the store offers for 100yen, equivalent to a dollar, for that one treasure. I'd leave the store having spent 2000yen and have some tasty Japanese treats, funny poorly translated into English t-shirts, and anything else mine or my children's hearts desired. As you can see we were expecting a lot from these US dollar stores and we were seriously let down. When I entered this Dollar Tree I was pleasantly surprised. They were already putting out Christmas decor, there were bags of Halloween candy, the bowl I had gone in for, and numerous other items that caught my attention. I spent all of 10 minutes inside but decided this store was worth my return. Just before getting in line for check out the greatest treasure I could find was right in front of me. RAZZLES!!!!!!! Need I say more as to why that is my happy moment for the day? OK, one more word, maybe 3...Thirteen Going on Thirty. Best movie EVER!

One more side happy thought for the road...Snow on the mountains...it is a beautiful day! The way the clouds cast shadows over the mountains the misty look at the caps, the snow. Beautiful, simply beautiful.

Happy Moment : I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

I have not seen my family in 4 years! My family in it's entirety has not been together in well over 7 years, mainly because of me. This Christmas my Dad wanted us to all get together and I was so distraught over the whole decision, "should I stay or should I go now" (that is a good song by the way). I had made up my mind to stay here in Boise with my family and put off my siblings and parents for another year or so. I had chosen not to go for too many reasons to list. The choice was painful and I hated talking about it because every time I did I would cry. I like living far away from extended family (Kevin and I have not lived any where near family for 7 years), but at the same time I love to get together with them. We have fun. I spent yesterday and today recalling those fun times and reminded myself that I may not get another opportunity to be with all 6 siblings at my parents again any time soon. So, I sucked it up (all the many reason NOT to go) and I bought a ticket to Missouri for a few days after Christmas. My sweet little family will not be with me, I even felt a little selfish about this, but at the same time I am so excited to go do something on my own. I haven't done anything like this since, uh, 1999 when I flew out to Utah to see Kevin and he proposed to me!

Well, that is my happy moment for today. What was yours?

Happy Moment: I Pledge Allegiance

Today's happy moment actually choked me up and bit. Today was my day to volunteer in my daughter's class room. I always look forward to Thursdays in the classroom. Each morning the secretary reviews some announcements and reminders to the children and then calls the children to all stand and repeat the Pledge of Allegiance. I was under the impression that the Pledge had been taking out of the schools. I am happy to "hear" that it has not been removed from my daughter's school. Seeing all these 6 year old kids stand placing their hands over their hearts, looking at the flag and reciting the pledge that I had too recited as a young child made my heart swell. It was at this phrase that got me the first day and now once again today...one nation under God. I am proud to be an American. I am not at all bothered by reciting those words. We are one Nation, under God, and should be indivisible. And yet, sadly, we are very much divided, certainly not one. I was honored to be able to recite the pledge along with the children. My daughter looked at me and mouthed across the room, "I didn't know you knew the pledge"! With the many immigrants throughout our country I see the controversy with children being required to repeat this pledge. Most people believe in a supreme being. The founders of this great country believed in a God. I feel that pledging an allegiance to the flag (which is purely a symbol, the allegiance is not to a piece of material, it is to that which the flag represents) is a duty all Americans must accept. Allegiance means devotion or loyalty...to what? Freedom, Justice, and all that America stands for. I believe, maybe in ignorance or naivety, that if we each remember what being an American truly means, remember all the many lives lost in fighting for those beliefs from the very infancy of this great country, then just maybe we can have the unity that is needed to keep a great country great. If we do not uphold those values this country was founded upon then all those men, woman, and children who have died and continue to die for this cause will have done so in vain.

That is all I have to say about that.


Here is an added happy moment for my day. This is too happy to not share!
Today was rather cold (in the mid 40s) and very cloudy. This sort of weather makes me rather snuggly and teddy bearish. Just before leaving for work I grabbed Kevin, in spite of his "trying" to reject me (he has become far too serious! And mind you this is the boy who was once called Tigger), we danced around and twirled and just acted silly. Just then Lydia came peaking around the corner to see why Mom and Dad were laughing and being way too happy and silly for our usual serious, stressed out selves. We both grinned at Lydia and she just stood so happy to see us having fun. So, I ditched Kevin and went and scooped up Lydia, who was obviously very jealous of the funness in the home, and I began to whirl and twirl around with her. I gave them both hugs and kisses goodbye and went out the door for work. It has been a while since I left the house and those I left behind were smiling and happy. Well, even I was smiling more than usual! I do believe this has been a great day on my quest!

A Quest

A couple weeks ago I read an article about happiness, remember it was the source of "evil" that "made" me do a backward somersault to remain youthful and fun? (I am rarely sarcastic, this is one of those moments. I just needed to blame my accident on something other than myself.) Realizing that I took the article way beyond the author intended I decided to look at his words differently. Life is way too short to be so overwhelmed and "grown up" and unhappy (meaning all the stuff in life that may put some tension in your neck or a frown on your face".

While at the Chiropractor today I was told that living a stress-free life is a good step to recovery. HA! I thought that was funny. But then I started thinking about the receptionist's comment and this is the main question I came up with..."How on earth does anyone live a stress free life who is neither a monk nor some carefree hippie?"

My quest is this...to spend some time each day reflecting on what made me happy that day and to take 5 minutes doing absolutely nothing but lay on my bed and not think of any of my worries or stresses, to breath deeply and just be free. Part of that quest is going to be reporting on those happy moments. And I am re"quest"ing your happy posts as well. Sharing happy moments is probably the best thing anyone could ever do. Laughter is contagious and so are smiles.

As for my very first day on this quest I am finding it difficult to even begin. What is a quest if there aren't good days, bad days, and some in between. It just so happens that the day I decide to start this quest for recognizing the good in my life I start out on a bad foot. But I cannot expect to progress further without even trying. So, let's see...my happy moment today was...a phone call from my sister. It wasn't a phone call that made me happy, I actually did more crying than anything, but the phone call from my sister told me she was thinking of me and loved me. That makes me happy. Also the 2 second thought I gave to the lovely view of fall made me VERY happy. But like I said, that lasted about 2 seconds. I would have loved to have dedicated more thought to the view of God's creations. I am happy to be in an area that has Autumn, the changing leaves, the skies that threaten of snow (though I do not care for snow I do LOVE clouds), autumn alone makes me snugly and warm. I am feeling better already just forcing myself to recall the good in my day! I shall continue! Another thing that brings me GREAT relief and joy is that I completed the 6th and 7th books in the Harry Potter series in 6 days (finished late last night). To complete both in 5 days, working a full time job and taking care of my family, required some mad crazy reading. I don't think I have ever read that insanely in my whole life. I finished one and immediately began the next. I read at every opportunity and way too late into the night! Even today my eyes and brain are so exhausted I find it difficult to focus. But I am through and that makes me happy. Now I can get back to my life.

I'd love to hear your happy moment for the day. Please share!

Read To a Child

I have been so busy the past few days. Not busy doing anything out of the ordinary, just abnormally busier than usual. I have decided to finally read #6 book in the Harry Potter series. So, when I am not busy with work or my family responsibilities I am reading that book, hence my abnormal business.

On Thursdays I have the opportunity to volunteer in my daughter's first grade class room. Today I left feeling a bit sad. The teacher is challenging the students to read 700 minutes the first quarter of school and will celebrate with a reading party at the end. The whole school has also started a reading challenge as well. The teacher has strategically placed numbered stars along side one wall of the room. As the children's reading minutes are tallied their named is moved to the numbered star that matches the minutes they have read. I am proud to announce that Emily has already read 750! Anyway, the point of my post tonight is the sadness I felt when looking at the names of the students and the number of minutes they were reading. There was a handful of students who had not even read 100 minutes. The vast majority had read anywhere from 200 - 300 minutes. There was one child who was not even on the wall. I am going to assume that this child's name was removed because of the upset mother I am going to tell you about in a little bit.

After looking at the wall for quite some time I mentioned to the teacher how sad it was (the kids were at recess). I said, "if the parents only new how important it is to read with their children every day". Before the beginning of school Kevin and I were doing the most of the reading to the kids. Since this challenge Emily has read anywhere from 30 - 45 minutes a day to us (broken up between morning and night). Her reading skills have improved dramatically since we have been doing more listening and less reading. We mix it up sometimes, I read a line, she reads a line. Or, I read a more difficult story, or the scriptures, and Emily follows along and jumps in when she recognizes words. The teachers response to my comments surprised me. She said, "I wish so bad you could have attended my parent meeting I held". When I asked her why she told me about one of the mothers. The mother was furious. She did not understand why she had to read to her child and thought it pointless. She proceeded to "lecture" the teacher on various "psychological" studies and reprimanded the teacher for even suggesting such a challenge. HOW ABSURD! The teacher had wanted me there to shared my opinion in rebuttal to this woman's.

Every week Emily came home from school and reported how much closer she was to earning the party. She looked forward to reading. And then one day she was just beaming and she shouted I have read 750 minutes! That means I earned the reading party!

Emily's classroom has a large percentage of children with various "issues", from poverty to learning disabilities. But the biggest disability these children have are parents as ignorant as this one mother who REFUSE! to read to their children. Whether their refusal is intentional or just plain ignorant neglect I do not know. But either way the child is the one who is suffering from the parents lack of interest in the child's educational well being. Shoot, even the parent is missing out. I love to read to my kids! I love the snuggle time, the adventure, the one on one time that I don't always get! What a horrible and vicious cycle it is for an under educated (even educated parents may neglect their child in this area due to lack of time) parent to continue to not show interest in their child's education. One comment recently sent home in the school's newsletter was to the parents telling them to read and let their children SEE them reading. What's that? Be an EXAMPLE? For so many children the example set for them is their parents watching TV, movies, playing video games, or just lounging around visiting with friends. These things are all fine to do. But if it is the only thing your child EVER sees you do then it becomes a problem rather than being a relaxing or enjoyable thing to do. I could even say that goes toward the example of hard work. My parents taught me about hard work. Even now I have a difficult time sometimes just being still.

Please, read to your children. Let them see you reading. Something I always tell my daughter is that she cannot do anything in her life unless she knows how to read. "You cannot read to your own kids. You cannot go on mental journeys or adventures. You cannot be a Zoo Keeper (Emily's most recent career desire)."

So, grab a book, grab a kid (yours, your sister's kid, your grand kid, your neighbor's kid), and go on an adventure together.

Speaking of books...check out my business web link found on the right column of my blog.

Laughter is THE best medicine

Just thought I would give you your daily dose of medicine!

This was filmed over a year ago. It is too precious to keep to myself. I hope you all laugh every time you see it, just as I do. I will watch it whenever I feel too serious and grumpy. You have to watch it more than once to truly appreciate the craziness of it. This video is of course titled Crazy Animals.

Blessings in Disguise

Yesterday I read an article about being more happy, laughing, and enjoying life. I thought to myself upon completion of the article "Suzanna, you could stand to be a little less serious all the time. Relax, have fun, enjoy your 'youth' (or what's left of it I thought)". So, just before leaving for work I recalled this vow of being more fun and less serious. I took a brief moment to goof off with my kids. We were doing somersaults and I decided to teach them to do a backward one. Not such a hot idea for someone of my age to go do! I have decided that it is not such a hot thing for any age to do one of those crazy things. Seriously what on earth possessed me to do one? I hadn't done one since probably 12, I can't believe I thought I was in any kind of good condition to do one at 31! So, upon completion of this insane move I was in incredible pain. I quickly rubbed on my neck and shoulders, giving enough relief to convince myself to go to work anyway. Unfortunately over the next 3 hours my condition worsened to the point of my left arm going numb and deep breathing was all I could do to keep from crying every time I answered the phone at work. I went and cried to my boss that I couldn't do it anymore, and I just had to leave. She recommended a chiropractor to me, the place stayed open an extra hour just for me. I was in worse shape than I thought. He laid me on a table to do some tests and when he was finished he helped raise me up and I almost blacked out. He was very concerned and at first felt I should go to the ER. He was worried about a slipped disk or torn artery. Just my luck! When he told me that I had a serious panic attack. Which needless to say did not help the light headiness at all. So, I calmed down and he consulted with another doctor. They both felt it would be alright to proceed there with x-rays and if anything in them alarmed them they would send me to the ER. The x-rays were worse than I could have ever imagined. Nothing the Dr. felt needed ER attention. That was a huge relief, I don't have insurance at the moment and we could not afford a $5000 ER trip, that is what brought on my attack.

Just over 10 years ago I had a really bad four wheeling accident in Colorado. It was just 2 months before I was to go on a mission for my church. I refused to be taken to the ER for fear of being rejected the opportunity to serve a mission. I never even went to the doctor. At the time my hands were what was in the worst shape, yes, I hurt all over but my hands were swollen and black and badly cut up. No other injuries were apparent to me at the time. Almost 2 years ago I was having a lot of back pain. I couldn't twist turn or even sleep with out pain. If I sat for too long I became stiff as a board and had to lay down to relieve the pain. I couldn't stand it any longer so I visited the doctor and they took x-rays of my back. I had arthritis on my spine, right smack in the middle of my back...T12. The Dr. asked me how on earth I managed to do that at my age in such an odd location. So, the effects of my accident years before were beginning to be more apparent. My hands have outwardly healed, but at times, especially in the cold, they hurt at the wrists and lifting becomes painful. They put me on all sorts of drugs for my back because the stiffness in the morning and the pain the rest of the day began to interfere with my routine. And then one day I talked to him about all the drugs and I asked him what I could do instead of all the dope. So, from then on the pills were flushed and I rarely have the pain since.

So, back to my neck. After my mission I visited a chiropractor I had worked for years before my mission. He took some x-rays and asked me if I had been in an accident because my neck looked like I had whiplash. I then told him all about the accident 2 years prior. He chastised me for not getting it checked out sooner. I saw that Dr once. I had not been back to see anyone for my neck until last night. When I saw the x-rays last night I was reminded of the accident once again, except this time the x-rays were much worse. The Dr. said he had only seen two other x-rays even close to being as bad as mine. My neck had gotten worse since the visit 8 years ago. It wasn't has bad as it could have been but it was definitely in need of serious attention. I was actually quite scared when I first saw the x-ray, I thought, "how on earth did that happen to my neck?" It really freaked me out. I have an opposite curve to my neck and all sorts of other misalignment's throughout my shoulders. No wonder I have been so uncomfortable lately. I couldn't even lift my head upward without discomfort, before the somersault injury. I had also been experiencing off and on numbness in my left arm. As you can probably tell, I tend to neglect my body. So, again my accident and failure to get medical attention has come back to haunt me.

Today Kevin and I went back for another adjustment and to talk about a plan. When we decided to go with the fix rather than the "band aid" we were given an estimated cost. Remember back to a few posts ago I mentioned getting an eye exam for Lasik? Well, I decided against it for now. For some reason it was all wrong. I did not understand why. But now I do. The chiro. bill is the exact same as the Lasik bill would have been. Kevin and I both just looked at each other and could not believe what a huge blessing this has all been. First, I canceled the eye surgery, every time I thought about it I felt incredibly uneasy. Second, I do a silly somersault, causing incredible pain, and thus going to the chiropractor to fix my neck before arthritis could set in on it, just like my back. I know it sounds odd to be grateful for the pain I am in, but if I had let my neck go and never get attention I would end up with bone spurs just like on my back. I regret not having gotten medical attention a decade ago, but like they say, "better late than never".

Work in Progress

I just finished this single panel curtain that I designed as part of a really long project I have been working on. About two years ago I planned a theme for my daughters' room. We had bought them red, yellow, and blue bunk beds, it was all the store had at the time. So, I figured I'd make the most of them and make a fun "primary color" room. Emily now says that the primary colors are her favorite colors because from them you get every color of the rainbow. What a smart kid! I am not any good at the decorating thing or sewing for that matter, but it is fun for me to be creative. The project is so far from being completed. I'd like to just get it done, but time and resources are in short supply.

I am having fun thinking up new things to add. I have wall paper trim that has red yellow and blue planets, sun, moon, and stars, drawn like a child with a crayon. LOVE IT! Emily and Lydia picked it out. I will hang glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, I will make some fun red yellow and blue pillows from left over curtain fabric. When we move and we have our own house I wanted to paint the walls with geometric shapes, Emily and Lydia don't like that idea, they want to stick with the celestial theme, so I caved, we'll paint the future walls non-geometrically. I don't want to do it now because I don't want to have to paint over the hard work. I will most likely hang the paper trim because we plan to stay put for at least 3 years. To me the walls are just too white behind that bright and bold panel curtain. I should just stop being lazy and paint the walls. I want the girl's room to be really fun and enjoyable. They have piggy banks in the primary colors with their names painted on and laundry baskets in the same manner. I still need to hang a hand crafted chore chart that the girls add Velcro stars when chores are completed, and also a hand crafted calendar that has everything from weather and seasons to the year, month, and day to add and move around as the girls please. We bought them dark blue mink blankets and a pillow cover while in Okinawa. I thought the blue in the room was darker, so when I brought the blankets home and compared I was a bit sad, but I am over it, I love the blankets; besides the blankets will last them forever, they are a Korean queen size (between a full and queen).

It is slowly coming together. I figure by the time we move it will be complete and then I get to start all over again. So, here is my request from you readers...any homemade ideas to add to this work in progress? It could be OUR project!

Shoe Update

Just a few weeks since my post on shoes and I feel like a new person. I am not saying that going for those ugly black shoes five days a week has become easy or enjoyable, but I certainly put them on with a new appreciation and outlook on my position in life right now. I even find my drive to work more pleasant and I certainly enjoy the quiet. I used to drive to work listening to something on the radio, now I have silence, and I so need the silence. I appreciate the silence. I plan my days more wisely and fill them to the brim. Since the post on shoes my schedule has also changed. I used to have Friday and Saturday off, now I have Sunday and Monday off and I must say that getting Sunday off has also made a huge difference in the rest of my week. I feel like I have more time. I also get to actually relax, which doesn't happen too often. I must put in my "day of rest" speech. I am so grateful to have that commandment. I cannot imagine life with out a day of rest. I cannot imagine going every single day of my life without Sunday, attending church, being at home without pressure of doing some chore or something, taking a nap, reading uplifting books, and listening to my children play quiet games and do puzzles. There is no other day in all of my week that compares to my Sabbath Day.

My friend Rena and I now get together on Mondays to scrapbook, which also wasn't happening before the schedule change. We also squeeze in some riding on Fridays before I head to work. I love being able to do things I enjoy. Life seems more enjoyable and also endurable (is that a word?), when I am able to relax and be with my friends and my family. Sadly I had not been able to make friends since I had moved here, my schedule and lack of vehicle, prevented me from meeting anyone. It just so happened mine and Rena's daughter were in the same class at church and begged for a play date, and since then Rena has been a dear friend and has helped me to find happiness outside just my family.

So, I am much happier in my shoes, whatever shoes I may be wearing!

Wrong Choices

I am really allergic to cats. They make my eyes itch like mad, my nose run, and I get all sneezy. When I was a kid I didn't care too much. I loved animals and spent a lot of time with my cat and all the kittens she had over the years of having her. I just knew I could go wash my hands and face real good and change my cloths and I would be OK. Well as I have gotten older I have realized that it was rather silly to continue to torture myself all for a cat! I have since then avoided cats. Even now if I am in the presence of someone who has a cat I have an attack. Kevin and Emily are too allergic to cats. Emily actually starts wheezing and gets hives and swelling if she has contact with the cat or its "home", we learned the scary way how allergic she is.

Lately there has been this cat lingering around our apartment, I am not sure if he is a stray or just a neglected neighbor. I usually stomp my feet, shew it away or say something mean toward it. I have other reasons for not liking cats anymore, but ultimately it stems from them making me incredibly uncomfortable (allergies). So, this morning the girls and I went outside to go to school and here was this cat sitting on our front porch waiting to get who knows what from me. Lydia, my youngest, proceeds to stamp her foot, shew it, and call it a "stinking cat" which obviously has come out of my mouth a time or two. I was immediately humbled. I felt bad that I had been such a bad example to my children in regards to God's creatures, allergy causing or not. I apologized to my girls for teaching them the wrong way to treat cats. I informed them that we should not treat animals that way and that the only reason I do it is because they give me allergies. But, we should still be kind to them. So, to show my daughters that they are not "bad" so to say, or "stinking" in my words, I sat on the step and rubbed the cats ears and under his chin. I felt sad for the cat, he seemed to be starving for affection and possibly even food. It wasn't the first time I felt compassion on a cat recently. While riding bikes back from dropping Emily off at school I have been noticing a particular cat pacing around a drive way of a house that recently went for sale. This cat continues every day to pace around the driveway and even runs up to the door of the vacant house. It seemed to me that the previous owners of the home had abandoned the poor creature. I went to it trying to comfort the animal, he ran off terrified. I felt really sad for him and angry at the humans who left him behind.

So, after petting the cat a bit I told Lydia that we had contaminated our hands and we needed to go and scrub them. No joke just in a matter of minutes of returning inside and properly cleansing my hands my eyes, nose and throat began to be uncomfortably itchy. Lydia and I were sitting on the floor playing an ABC game (which by the way can be purchased on my website!) and I told her that I made a wrong choice by petting that cat. She says to me, "see Mom, even grown ups make wrong choices sometimes!?" So, my sweet 5 year old daughter taught me a lesson. Yes, grown ups do make wrong choices sometimes and we have to correct our mistakes...by washing our hands, changing our cloths, and promising never to do it again. The interesting thing that caught my attention is this, even after I had taken the necessary steps to "fix" my wrong choice of petting the cat I still felt the effects of the cat long after I had "repented". Isn't that interesting. I took an allergy pill to receive some relief and since I have not even thought about the discomfort associated with the cat.

This little experience is exactly like accepting the atonement of Christ. It is like taking the allergy pill. Jesus takes away our pain and discomfort...if we go to him and accept Him, and repent, then our wrong choices (sins) are forgiven and we no longer feel the effects of the (sins).

Those "stinkin'" cats! I sure am grateful for allergy medication!

A Perfect Day

I just have to write to take my mind off of the things that have happened this evening at work to cause me the utmost anxiety and fear. To start my shift off an undercover cop comes in asking if we had received the wanted poster, we had not, and asked us if anything suspicious has happened, any guests paying with cash, etc. Then later in the evening I get a phone call from a young girl who spoke a million words a minute and to top it off we had a bad connection. I had difficulty understanding her. To make the horrible phone call short, I hung up on her...intentionally. I was not going to waste my time on someone who was just going to swear at me and insult me. I got really nervous after that and since then I cannot get my mind off of "what if" kind of thoughts and scenarios. I won't get into it because the reason I am writing is to take my mind off of it and I am not doing such a hot job so far.

So, yesterday was by far one of the greatest days I have had in quite some time. It was simply marvelous. Our hotel was under budgeted for the month of September and my boss asked if anyone wanted an extra day off. I gladly volunteered my services..wasn't that so good of me? So for my special gift of an extra day off I started the day by riding bikes with the girls to school. Then when Lydia and I got back home we changed all the beds, did dishes, laundry and other various chores. Lydia's favorite part of the chores was helping me pick out the bedding to put on my bed.

After lunch with Kevin, Lydia and I got on our riding boots and headed over to my good friend's in laws' house to help them exercise their horses. Once again, am I not so thoughtful and kind to offer my services?

The day was a bit cooler than usual, and quite cloudy. When we got to the pasture the horses were so excited to see us they actually came to us this time (we usually have to go to them and coax them with a bit of hey). The horses are really beginning to get to know me. Last time I went I took them all a gift (all 10 of them!) CARROTS! I think they will love me forever now. What's funny is that they kept nudging my hands, I think they remembered the carrots. I will have to take them some again next week. I have a favorite horse. His name is Clyde. His is all black and absolutely beautiful. Sadly he won't let anyone ride him anymore. A trainer is coming in a week or so to see if the horse is worth keeping, if he can be reminded of how he is supposed to act when someone is riding him. Clyde was the first horse to come up to me. When I turned my back he started nudging me and nuzzling my hair. He even blew on my neck, which tickled insanely. He was exceptionally affectionate that day. All the horses seemed to be want some lovin'. I tried to pass it around but a couple of them seemed to get jealous and crowded in on me. I was in heaven! To be smothered by horses! What a silly girl I am. I will be sad if they sell Clyde. I wish he would let me ride him. For some reason I am always drawn to the horses with attitude. When I was a young girl I would go visit some cousins who had horses. They had a particular horse named Ginger. I loved that horse. She had attitude and didn't let just anyone ride her. She let me. My uncle even told me that she missed me when I left after a long stay. And then the next time we visited, which was always a long time apart, she would remember me and give me nudges and loves.

So, my friend asked me who I wanted to ride and almost as if Clyde understood he came even closer to me and put his face right in mine, I rubbed his nose and told him he was a silly horse and that if he would just behave I would ride him. So, I reluctantly chose to ride "Fat Jack", that is his nick name, for the life of me I cannot recall his real name. Fat Jack is the biggest horse I have ever seen. He is also called "the Barbie horse". He is a tan color with a blond mane. But he is incredibly over weight. I chose him so I could give him a good work out. Under all his layers of fat he does have a lot of muscle. When he runs you can see how beautiful he used to be and hopefully after several rides we can get him back in shape. He is 11 years old, their oldest horse.

When we got them to the coral I swung the lead rope around to get them warmed up and get their hearts pumping. That is one of my favorite things to do. I chase after then swinging the rope. I love to see them run. Once they were all saddled they seemed anxious to get a good work out. And boy did we work them hard! The horses don't get ridden very often, so my friend and I decided that we will definitely make it over at least once a week. The horses need to be reminded of who is boss and also of how to respond to directions. In the beginning I was a bit frightened of Fat Jack, if he were to even step on my foot it would probably be broken so I couldn't imagine if he were to do more than that! He was very feisty and stubborn. So Rena, my friend, hops on instead of me, she is so good with the horses! She trains riders. I hope to learn great things from her, and not just about horses. So she took over and worked Fat Jack real good. So much that when I took him back he was pretty much done. I worked with him on staying close to the rail and following it rather than his usual circles he would take me on. He would repeatedly head back to the gate and I would give him a good kick and get him back in line. He improved once he knew I wasn't giving in. While Rena was working with Fat Jack I had her horse, Leo. He is young, 3 years old. He is also incredibly stubborn, more so than any other horse. But boy did I have fun. He would fight me on directions, he wanted to do his own thing or follow Rena and Fat Jack. I would just tell him no and give him a good kick and flick of the rein on his back side. He would do a hop and take off into a dramatic gallop, shaking his head all over the place and dipping down and twisting around. The first time he did it I was a bit nervous of being thrown off, but then we both started relaxing and it was awesome. All I thought about was Leo and working him. I had no other thought in my mind. We worked on turns (they need to learn to turn with the squeeze or kick of my left or right leg, not with the reins), backing up, trotting, and galloping. It was the best ride I have had.

When we were finished riding Rena and I just sat on the back of our horses talking, I braided Fat Jack's mane so he could be a true Barbie horse. As we were walking the horses back to the pasture I noticed Clyde down at the fence waiting and calling to us.

After all the fun of exercising the horses I was quite tired. I stood watching Lydia and Karen (Rena's daughter) swinging on the tire swings hung in the trees that shaded the Grandma and Grandpa's back yard. A big gust of wind came and yellowing leaves swirled and twirled all around the two playful girls. Oh how I wish I had my camera (also because Grandpa had taken the girls on a pony ride in the pony cart, they each had a turn at using the reins). I could no longer be an observer. I went to the lush green grass that surround the big tree with the swings hanging in it, I found my perfect spot and laid spread eagle on the ground. The wind was just perfect, not too cold. I shut my eyes and just listened to all the sounds around me, the girls chatting and giggling, the rustling of the leaves in the trees, and the silent whisperings of the leaves fluttering to the ground all around me. It was beautiful. I smiled and felt so at peace. This had been the most perfect day. I lay there thinking about the perfectness of the day and how I wouldn't change a thing, how I longed for more. I replayed in my mind the movement of the horse and how free I felt while on his back. As I laid in the grass I felt so happy I could have just floated away, up into the clouds.

Venting

Do you ever feel like you just need a good vent? Well, I do, so I hope you can endure the next several lines of my ranting and raving, it will do me good.

How are earth do people live with themselves sometimes? I asked that question way too many times this evening while at work. A particular guest was so incredibly difficult and completely discontent with everything around her. I think if she were to call and complain about just one more thing I'd have to check her out. Her personality completely and utterly rubbed me wrong. I do not get irritated by people's quirk isms too easily, because I have more than my share!, but this woman was...AUGH! I think I even did that silently behind behind closed doors. Before she even accepted a room she had about 10 questions that depending on my response she may or may not stay. And then once she was in her room the TV was not to her liking. I moved her to another room. That room was too cold. I opened the windows for her to get the room warmed up a bit. The traffic was too loud. I shut them for her and ran out screaming, hahaha. I had forgotten to leave her the new room keys so when I went back up to her room she opened the door with the most hideous expression and proceeded to tell me that she turned on the heater and it was dusty and why was it dusty and why hadn't someone vacuumed it and how she still cannot get the thing clean. I explained that it hadn't been turned on all summer and that she was the first to use it. I think her eyes just about fell out of her eye sockets from rolling around in her head too much. I apologized and turned and left. When I got back downstairs she shortly followed. We didn't have the right tea, the coffee was too cold, there weren't enough cups, "are you sure there wasn't a pet in my room?" I am not positive, but the rooms are cleaned thoroughly. We do try to keep pets on the first floor so you should be safe". "That is what they all say" was all she said as she left with once again her eyes spasming in her head. AUGH! I can not believe this woman! Seriously how does one live a life with such a difficult personality? I don't even think difficult really describes her. There was a LONG time in my life where I spent the mass majority of my time as a complete downer. Now that is a really annoying trait. I have no idea how I lived with myself. I think it is right up there with being difficult and hard to please. I learned the hard way that people just do not like to be around you if you act like that, downer or difficult. Even now when I find myself "acting up" I can't stand myself. I give myself a good lecture and a good kick in the butt and I am ready to go it again but much better. This woman is probably the only guest I have ever really dreaded seeing or hearing.

I take that back, I am reminded of another insanely irritating trait! One night I checked in this family, 3 girls and a Mom and Dad. From the moment the Dad walked up the desk I could tell he was going to be an issue ALL night. With in minutes of checking them in I saw all 3 daughters, young mind you, lugging in garbage bags full of dirty laundry. They made 3 trips! I did not see the Father once. I then got a call from the daughter asking if we had a laundry service in the hotel. I replied no and the poor thing sighed and hung up. With in a couple minutes the 3 girls were coming back through the lobby with their several bags of laundry followed by a couple more trips. Once again no sign of Father. I soon got a call from the Dad telling me his toilet is flooded. Usually when a Man calls and says that he is embarrassed and he plunges it himself. But no, not this Man. When I got to the room, his oldest daughter, the only grown up of the bunch, answered the door. The Dad was sitting on the edge of the bed watching cartoons! and pointed at the toilet without even looking up or saying a word. I got to the toilet and it was FULL of toilet paper, at least a whole roll! The place had been completely trashed and they had only been there 30 minutes!!!!!!! Around dinner time I saw the parents leave by themselves and did not return for at least an hour carrying dinner for the family! NOW THAT IS IRRITATING! I could not believe this man. Now that I think about it, the Dad was present for all this craziness, but the Mother was not...Where was SHE?

OK, so I think I have sufficiently vented. I feel much better now.

Business Entrepreneurs

Last summer while living in Okinawa Japan I had left a cooler full of melting ice outside. Emily and Lydia came across it and came up with a brilliant idea to make money. Emily went in search of all the necessary supplies to set up shop, a pitcher (actually a watering can for the flower garden) and a flower pot (not quite sure of its purpose, I don't know if she really knew either), her piggy bank to give change to her friends when they came shopping, and a request for me to make the official sign. She told me what to write and I wrote it word for word. This was the sign...

Ice For Sale
$1 a cube, if it doesn't melt first

They were both so excited and proud of themselves for coming up with such a clever plan. Too bad it was 90 degrees outside and their merchandise was melting faster than it was selling. I didn't want to be too discouraging of their creativity but when they actually had a neighbor kid come and ask to buy an ice cube I really could not allow him to pay for it. So, the girls changed the sign to FREE ice cubes. All the kids, especially Emily and Lydia, had a blast with it non the less.

Signs?

Did any of you see the full lunar eclipse we had just a month or so ago? I did. It was one of the most fascinating and thought provoking viewings of my life. I want to share with you some of those thoughts. Now you must know that these are MY thoughts. You can take it or leave it.

While I was looking at this celestial phenomena my mind repeatedly recalled a particular scripture. Now, I am not a scriptorium, I am FAR from one. I honestly don't even remember where the scripture is at the moment, but for a really fascinating read look up moon in the index of your scriptures. Well, this particular verse repeatedly played through my mind and my thoughts..."the moon shall be as if it were blood" or something to that effect. The moon looked the color of blood! Was this event that I was privileged enough to behold in fact a sign? When Jesus was born there were signs in the heavens to foretell his birth. When he died there were signs of his death. Have we not been told that there will be signs of His great return? Just sharing with you my thoughts on the matter bring great emotions to my whole soul. Excitement runs through my veins at the very thought of personally viewing a sign of the coming of my Lord and Savior! The experience of seeing this eclipse provoked further study on the subject and definitely more curiosities. I began thinking about what other signs will be foretelling the coming of Christ to earth again. When Noah was on the earth the earth was cleansed by a flood. God promised to never flood the earth again. But the earth will be cleansed again...by fire. Can we not read in the paper or see on TV every day something to the effect of "global warming"? Could this be the "fire" we are told of? I had a dream recently. I vividly recall driving in my car with my family for some sort of escape. It was night time and all that could be seen was the brilliant red embers of fire all around us. There was no other sign of life, no other light, not even in the sky, not even light from the head lights of the car. All I could see was this fire everywhere. It did not put off any other color than red. It almost had a look of red hot lava cracking up through the crust of the earth. I remember waking up a bit uneasy, even scared. I have never seen a sight such as this in all my life. Not in movies, TV, magazines, or newspaper. So, what do I think of this dream? I think it was a dream. But I cannot help but wonder, what it will be like to view more signs of the coming of Christ to earth again. My thoughts, my speculations, they are purely mine. No one knows the whens or the hows of His coming except our Father in Heaven. I only want to share to invoke in you some further study on your own. I want to provoke you to ponder these things and maybe even take it a step further and evaluate your own personal life. "What am I personally doing to prepare for His coming?" I ask that just about everyday.

Life, the Roller Coaster

I want you to close your eyes (well, if you do that you can't read, so close them afterward) and imagine with me. I want you to visualize in your mind that you are at an amusement park and before your eyes is the largest, most thrilling ride you have ever beheld. You are with a friend, a close friend, someone you really care about. You both look at each other and smile with childlike grins that seem to say "I triple dog dare you". And together you bolt for the insanely long line that ever so slowly crept forward. While awaiting your ultimate doom you chat about the weather being perfect for the day, memories of other life threatening adventures, and other silliness. As you near the entrance you can make out these words over the archway of the door, "entering the point of no return!" To the right you see a chicken exit. You tease each other about chickening out. But no way are you going to let the other person know you are scared to death, so you hide your fear, shoving your white clammy hands deep in your pockets, and let out a nervous chuckle. That's it, you lost your chance to turn back, now you have to face the ride.

So, you and your partner climb into your seats, the bars are lowered down over your head just as your final bit of courage makes it way to your stomach. The ride workers come back to ensure you are properly fastened in, you doubting their expertise and perfect training (ha ha) and triple check by wiggling the bars, tightening the straps and praying that they passed safety inspection.

Well, you are off. Slowly you creep up the steep hill. Anticipation, fear and the excitement of knowing when you reach the top you are going to be hurled hundreds of feet to your utter destruction, so it seems, overwhelms your thoughts. Your heart beat begins to match the clanking of the track. You look over the side of the car and see tiny people the size of ants, all waving at you. You near the top and thoughts of death pass before you. You begin to wonder if you should have just taken the chicken exit, forget looking brave and cool for your friend. Your car reaches the top and you have a split second to catch your breath just so you can scream the whole way down! The wind is in your face so forcefully that the scream is unable to come out. You come to the bottom of the drop, you are still alive and you can begin to breath. Your stomach has caught back up with the rest of your body and the roller coaster continues to twist and wind around furiously. You are moving so fast that the car shakes and rattles, your body begins to feel like a baby's toy rattle. There is a loop up ahead and you hold onto your safety harness for dear life just praying the technicians installed it correctly. Before you know it there is another loop. And then again there is another twist and another drop. Your arms are flailing around and you no longer know if you are up or down or sideways. Everything is spinning. You look to your friend next to you to see how they are fairing the ride. They look a little green, you wonder if this is the one you should have chosen to ride with because they might just vomit on you. Then all of a sudden out of no where the ride comes to a surprising turn and immediately the brakes are put on and the ride slows dramatically. You smooth your hair, shake your hands to get the feeling back in. You let out a strange shaky laugh and begin to excitedly chat with your co-rider about the twists and turns, and ask how they faired the ride. The ride comes to a stop and you are let out. Your footing is a little unsure. You grab your friend's arm. You look at them and see that they are no longer green, they are actually stronger and more able to stand than you are. You allow them to help you out and together you walk away from the ride. You excitedly reflect back on the ride, even turning around to look at the MONSTER that you just conquered together. You laugh, you smile, you say "WE DID IT!", "That was awesome", "it was totally worth it", and yes, even "LET'S GO AGAIN!".

Imagine

My Lydia for about 2 years now has had an imaginary friend. This friend is amazing. She is called Little Girl. Honestly this little girl can do ANYTHING! I guess first I should tell you what Little Girl looks like. To put it most simply Little Girl is Lydia's index finger and middle finger...this makes up her 2 legs. One day Lydia entertained us over dinner with all the amazing tricks Little Girl can do. "She can jump really high" Lydia says while jumping her two little fingers off the table and high above her head. "She can do flips" while the two fingers are coming back down to the table they are twisting and turning in all directions. And she can also run really fast, I think you can visualize that motion! Anytime Lydia brings little girl out I bust up laughing. For a couple months around the time of our move Little Girl never came out to play. I thought that maybe Lydia was done with that phase. And to be honest I kinda missed the funny little girl. While on the airplane for our lengthy 15 hour flight Lydia informed me that Little Girl was staying in Okinawa. Then one day about a month or so after moving here we were driving in the car and I noticed Lydia looking out her window kind of in a dreamy state. Then out came her little fingers and she says to me "look Mommy, Little Girl swam all the way here from Okinawa!" I could not hold back the laughter. Lydia has also come across a little soft stuffed Polly Pocket doll (I believe it was in some kid meal or something). It seems as those this doll has officially taken on the name of Little Girl and can do almost just as amazing tricks. She is not as cute as Lydia's little fingers, nor is she as talented, but she certainly has taken on a wonderful role in my daughter's imaginative play. Little Girl has become quite a major part of our family. I cannot imagine life without her.

Torture

I had an eye exam today to see if I am a good candidate for Lasik eye surgery. They had to dilate my eyes in order to look around inside my eyes. During one portion of the exam I had to look straight ahead while they held the brightest of bright lights I had ever beheld, close up in my eyes. It was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do physically. The natural reaction to bright light is to look away or close your eyes. I could do neither. I can still FEEL and SEE the brightness of the light. It was so painful. It was almost as if the light was burning the depths of my brain! I really cannot even describe the discomfort and pain. Especially seen as how I have developed a sensitivity to light. I wonder if that is a form of torture within government agencies, like the FBI and the military and all other worldwide groups who feel it necessary to inflict pain on others. It must be. I think if I was forced to stare into a blinding light I'd end up giving all my secrets away. But then again I am not as strong as others.

My Shoes

Today I had the "blessing" (if you attended you'd know what that was all about) of attending a conference called Time Out for Women. It was fantastic. A bit draining but fantastic non the less. The speaker I want to focus my thoughts on is Jane Clayson Johnson, a very well known anchor woman. She talked to us about embracing the season that we are individually in. She shared a story involving shoes and based the majority of the speech on shoes we wear. Her analogy was wonderful, I want to take it a step further and think about the shoes I wear and what they represent and how I feel about those shoes.

My first pair of shoes I want to write about are my running shoes. The summer before my 30th birthday the realization of my age hit me and the fact that I would only go down hill from there gave me the nudge to a better life style. I took up running and I attended the gym for weight training the off days of my 3 and 6 mile runs. I felt great! I was in the best shape of my LIFE! At 30! I was so happy with the results. I wore through a few pair of shoes. And each time I threw away a pair I was thrilled for the miles I would be putting on the new pair. Then I moved half way across the world. My life completely changed and so did my new found love of running and weight training. I haven't been out since I left Okinawa. It has been over 7 months. My running shoes no longer go running. They peddle a bike to drop off my daughter at school. They walk to the dumpster. They go to the park. And they get out for a rare stroll with my family. But for the most part they sit. I think they are very sad. They are not used for the purpose they were created. I think they want to get out. I think they miss the pounding of the pavement. Those shoes were very important to me. I found purchasing new ones an adventure. I even find memories in them. Will I ever be able to make the time to take them out again and allow them to fill the measure of their creation?

My old red, white, and blue striped flip flops. Boy could those shoes tell stories! They remind me of summers in Okinawa. They remind me of my many trips to the beach with my daughters. Soaking up the warm sun on the white beaches. Getting soaked with salt water. I do believe if you were brave enough to smell them you'd smell the ocean. They still have a "crusty" feel to them from all the dried salt encrusted and dried into the material of the shoe. They remind me of the awesome tan line they left across my feet that would last all winter long (Okinawa winters are like fall in the Mid West to Eastern part of the US). When the day comes that those flip flops lose their flop I shall give them a memorial service before I ever so lovingly toss them in the dumpster.

I went on a mission for my church. I felt it necessary to purchase these really expensive very uncomfortable Doc Martin boots. Those boots did some winter walking all over various parts of the north west part of New York. They played in snow, shoveled snow, and met many people along the way. I had forgotten about these boots. I so rarely needed them. Until one day I made a new friend. She invited me to go horseback riding, which, by the way if you have not looked at my profile I love horses. I needed to have a pair of boots and was just about to go buy a pair of official riding boots when I remembered my good ol' heavy, expensive, painful Doc Martins. They would do just fine for their new purpose. So, these old boots that still have perfect soles are now covered in unmentionable stuff. I love these boots now. Do you know why? Because when I pull them out of the shed where I keep them because of the "stuff" completely covering them, I know that I am going to be on the back of a horse, enjoying one of my favorite things to do.

I have this pair of brown Mary Jane pumps. They are my most feminine pair of shoes. I feel like a lady in them. I feel tall, graceful, beautiful. They are more than that though. I only wear them to church. When I see them in my closet they remind me of how important it is to always look my very best for the sabbath day. They remind me to be reverent, to walk not run, to be quiet not loud. They remind me of the many Sundays I have worn them to church and have felt the spirit, not because of the shoes I was wearing (that would be silly) but because of where I wore them...the house of the Lord.

Last Christmas my husband gave me a pair of shoes. They are black and well, I really can't quite describe them. They are cute. They are fun. They are casual, yet can be dressed up a bit. They make me feel trendy and youthful.

Now, a few years ago my husband had to return to the US for work. While he was back in the US I told him he had to go shopping for me. He did a wonderful job purchasing me some cloths. To my surprise he bought me 2 pair of shoes that are by far my "sexiest" shoes. I hardly ever wear them. But when I do I feel like a million dollars. One is a pair of high heeled black leather boots. The other is a pair of high heeled sandals that have skinny black leather straps across my toe region and these straps are gathered together with a leather flower type ornament. Why don't I wear these shoes very often you may wonder? First, I don't usually feel like a very "sexy" person. Second, I really do not have places to wear these shoes, nor do I have the right outfits to coordinate with them. I do wear them occasionally and when I do I look good, I feel good, and my husband loves it!

The last pair of shoes I want to mention are the shoes that inspired me to write this post. They are the shoes that brought me the most emotion at the conference. They are the shoes that cause me the most pain. They are the shoes that the speaker was most likely referring to in her analogy. These shoes are black. They are plain. They have gel insoles that I bought to purposely put in these shoes. When I see these shoes in my closet I dread the moment I have to put them on. On the weekend I hid them deep in my closet so I can forget I even own them. When the the time comes to put them on I slowly bend over, I look at them through the hanging cloths that are hiding them, I pause for a moment to remind myself of why I have to put them on. I reach for them, take them to the bed, and slowly put them on. The moment my foot is fully immersed within the depths of these horrid shoes my feet begin to swell and ache. But there is something that swells and aches far more than my feet, and that is my heart. Sound pathetic? NO! These are my work shoes. When this good lady was talking to us about embracing the season we are individually in I could only think of my family. Working away from my home is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Being a mother is all I have ever wanted to be. Making the choice to go back to work was beyond difficult for me. I enjoy my job, but I much more enjoy my calling in this life, which is to be the best darn Mother possible. So, when this good lady spoke of embracing "my" season, I was humbled. Together my husband and I had prayed about the best solution for our family during the next 3 years while he completes his Physics Degree. The solution was not just difficult to embrace but it was also the only "inspired" solution, and that was for me to support my husband. I have struggled with it from day one. And now, today, I have made the conscious decision to reach for those shoes with less resentment and more faith. I will put them on and know that the physical discomfort that comes from them is temporary and that the work I do will have lasting effects not on my physical body but on my family's stability in the future. I will hold my head high, lift my spirit, trust in the Lord and know that I am embracing, in its fullness, the season I am in.