A list with no resolve

I recently made a pros and cons list involving the choice that I have made...the choice to work outside my home. It was a difficult decision that together my husband and I made. The initial decision was very difficult, but with love and hope and faith I leaped and I continue to every single day. But the difficult part I want to discuss is the list. I must openly and full-heartily admit that the working life is not for me. I love to be home. So, back to my list, it obviously consisted of 2 columns, the pros and cons, of what?...returning home. The list of pros to come back home full time was enormous. The spiritual and emotional and intellectual list of returning home so strongly outweighed my cons list of 2 items! But when I logically looked at both lists (if you could call 2 items a list!) those 2 items were very heavy. They weighed heavily on my mind, my heart, even my body. But then I looked back at my long list of "whys" to return home full time and saw that those items out weighed the other list by 10 fold, spiritually and emotionally and intellectually. Why could my list of 2 cons weigh so heavily on me? These 2 items are so temporal and superficial and my heart says they do not matter in the eternal perspective of things. But HOW I ask can I assist my family in obtaining our ultimate goals without those 2 items? How do I look past all the many pros of remaining home, the things that make my heart swell, and accept the fact that the only way to survive this current trial I am in is by continuing to work? And while I struggle with this extreme war inside my whole soul my little family continues to slip and fall. I stop to pick them up, I go to work, I stop to pick them up, I go to work. I am exhausting myself with my own life. I feel as though I am trying to climb a mountain of tiny pebbles all while trying to keep my family from falling all the way to the bottom. Of course I am not alone, my husband is by my side but it seems that while we are both struggling to keep our footing the other is falling and we are teetering back and forth between who is the temporarily strong one keeping the other one up while also holding onto Emily and Lydia. The decision before me is dizzying. And while I know that both choices are very important I cannot help but think one is far more crucial to the survival of my family. But, which I do not know. I feel so alone in this struggle. I feel that my prayers and pleading are pointless, that I am required to suffer until I get a clue, which to me seems like never.

Have you ever read the book A Wrinkle In Time? There is a part, the major part, that is about this force that wants to control everyone and make them perfect by making all their choices for them and making their life easier by taking away all that frustration and confusion that comes with life. It is called IT. I find myself actually being draw to this fictional IT. But is it really all that fictional? I find that so often I just want the pain, the darkness that clouds my mind, the coldness in my spirit, the doubt and fear, to just go away. I just want someone to come and take it away. Doesn't that seem so much easier?

If I could have my way I would live the rest of my life serving my family, by NOT working outside my own sweet little home!