What kind of seeds are you planting?

Last night I attended a free class about creating abundance in your life. The instructor used the parable of the sower to instruct us on how to get the most out of life. The class did not discuss marriage, but I had a light bulb moment and must share it with you.

I frequently have something along the lines of "you are..." directed at my husband (and not usually pleasant or uplifting). My husband responds with "OK", or "If that is the way you want it". Of course that isn't OK or the way I want it. It is my female way of saying knock it off or I can't handle what you are doing. I realize it is not the best way to approach a man (or anyone for that matter), but when upset it is hard to think any other way. The light bulb moment was this...My husband was not trying to frustrate me further. He was simply trying to please me and be the way he thought I wanted him to be. Now why on earth would he think I want him to be (...)? I am reaping what I sow. I plant in him names or labels and that is what he will become. My new goal is to stop labeling; stop sowing bad seeds in my husband and start planting with love and tenderness the seeds he is worthy of.

2 Steps Back

How does that old adage go? "Three steps forward and two steps back." The past few days I was progressing quite nicely. I fell short last night and my demons once again presented themselves causing me to not just take two steps back but to fall back. The difference between last night and so many instances in the past is that an unseen force was there for me and for my husband. A force that took us by not only the hand but by the heart and helped us get back up.

A thought has been going through my mind this morning, aside from my two steps backward last night. It is better to face sorrow that I may know the good from the evil. I am a religious person and attend a sacred ceremony every Friday morning before the sun even awakes. I do this by choice. I do this so that I may draw closer to my Maker. It is in this holy place that I am reminded of the purpose of my life. It is here that I am reminded why I love my husband so much. In spite of every trial and struggle and heartache I endure (or cause) I am reminded that my marriage is eternal, that if I face and overcome the weakness of my physical character I will be given more than my mortal mind can comprehend. I am reminded of my duty to my husband as his companion and friend. There is no other place on the face of the earth I would rather spend my Friday mornings. It is here that I find the courage and hope required to let the past week go and face the coming with renewed vitality.

So I failed last night, today I am stronger and more prepared. Today I am even more aware of my weaknesses and ready to face them head on. My mind, my heart, and my feet are ready to make up the 2 steps we lost and move forward!

Dudes and Chicks: Testosterone and Estrogen

What does a spider and mold have in common? Scientifically nothing, as far as I am aware. Emotionally, a great deal according to the husband. Upon his request I was asked to help come up with solutions to this problem, after the venting and raging about the issue. He informed me that I need to think less like a girl (in regards to me getting emotional and extreme with my labeling him as over compulsive and wack-o) and more like a guy by helping him think logically and find a solution to the one spider problem and the shower mold. After offering a suggestion there was a moment of silence in which I could take my shower and contemplate further on what just happened. I took his challenge and thought like a guy. I said to myself, "I am a dude. What would a dude think about all this?" What follows may or may not be a real dude solution but according to a chick, this is what a dude would think.

"Dude, I am dude! I need dude time! Living in a house with 3 females and all this estrogen is really affecting me. I need to stop being so extreme about all the stuff I think is a big problem and stop freaking out over everything. I need to stop nagging, isn't that the woman's job anyway? I am hormonal and emotional and take everything as a personal attack. I need to go hunting or fishing or bowling or grunt at something. I need to do something truly manly and dude-ish."

So, after thinking like a dude I went to the husband and said, "I did what you told me to do. I thought like a man and if I were a man I would need dude time."

Husband's response: "Are you rejecting me?" (Again, isn't that something a woman would ask?)

So, I went back to the bathroom to complete my nightly ritual and all of the sudden something hit me. Something I should have seen a long time ago. Something my husband has been trying to get me to understand for almost a decade.

I put myself in the shoes of a women whose husband is frequently gone doing "dude stuff". I would nag him about being gone too much and I would nag him about liking his guys better than his girls. I would nag, nag, nag. I thought, "I do not want that!" I went to my sweet husband and I first apologized and then and I thanked him for loving me and finding me to be his one true friend. He has told me many times he doesn't need guy friends when he has me. As a female who needs female friends because my husband cannot fill that need, I felt extremely guilty.

My husband having dude time is not going to solve anything. Especially my attitude. I assumed his ranting and raving about the spider, mold, and whatever else he conjures up before he goes to bed, is because he is unhappy with me. I need to trust that he is happy with me. I need to be understanding of where he comes from as the man of a house. He sees problems left and right and wants to "fix" everything. The part that causes him to be so frustrated is that he is tired all the time and always too busy to do anything about "fixing" anything. I love him. I love that he cares so much.

What I need to do is stop the emotional response every time he gets upset about something. Not everything is my fault, so I need to stop reacting as if he is blaming me for everything. When in all reality he is upset at himself.

Question for the dudes:

How do I support him with his "problem", minus all my estrogen?

MHC?

Male Hormone Cycle. Yup, that's right. Men have hormone cycles too. And girls believe me when I tell you that their cycles can be worse than ours! My husband, when he is in a good mood (which means he is not on his MHC), will admit it! Actually, after watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding recently, he has decided to call them HORMONIES. It lightens the mood.

So, for today's 3rd entry I will just let you know that I successfully survived my husbands peak of MHC last night. Maybe I should get him some chocolate to munch on tonight. I know that always makes my hormonies more bearable. I think we should both be old enough that our hormonies should be balanced...Right? Unless of course men go through some sort of menopause too. Wait! It is call men-o-pause. So maybe, for women that is when men should pause in their verbal and physical pursuits. And for men, well they just need to pause. So, that is straight from the mouth of Dr Sue. You hear that? Once you reach the menopause phase in your life, just press pause; no matter your gender. Hmm, I wonder what I mean by pause? That needs some serious critical analysis.

Peanut Butter Cookies

It is amazing what greeting your man at the door with fresh home baked peanut butter cookies and a big squeeze can do for your own heart! My husband has what I will call from now on CARD (Critical Anal Retentive Disorder). His "made-up" (by me and partially him) disorder was no less extreme than usual last night, but my reaction to it was lets say, less intense! I cannot let my husband have all the fun with a "made-up" disorder. So, now for my "made-up" disorder...UIFD (Unbalanced Intense Female Disorder). I tried so hard to come up with a funny acronym! My husband and I have found that laughing at our "disorders" is far better than taking them too seriously.

Well, today will make day two on this journey. Who would have thought Peanut butter cookies could have so much power! Anyone need a cookie?

I've Gotta Be Startin' Something

I am guilty! I have stolen my title from Michael Jackson. It doesn't matter though because it still applies to what I have to say to you today.

My last entry was quite dramatic. I was experiencing some pretty dramatic things in my mind. I have since decided what better place to work through my drama than here, in my virtual world. What better place to share little tidbits I learn along the way. Who knows? Maybe in some small way I will help my readers face their struggles.

I know, I am going to be getting pretty personal. I am going to be opening up a whole lot of "stuff" that many people don't usually discuss on blogs. So what? Maybe someone should. So, today we shall begin this journey together.

"Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. The title alone makes me want to puke. My initial reaction when I first read the title was, "what about me? What about the proper care and feeding of me?" In addition to this really negative first reaction, my mother-in-law was the giver of this grand book. I thought, "what is she trying to tell me?" The receipt of this book certainly was not positive. And then a month ago, my sister-in-law sent me her copy and recommended it. Again, "what is she trying to tell me?" I am beginning to think my husband's family doesn't think I am taking very good care of their boy.

So, all of this has really gotten me thinking. Am I giving my husband proper care and feeding? My thoughts and feelings go so much deeper than this though. Let me try and explain it short and simple with an attempt at adding some sweetness. (ha, sense my sarcasm in that?)

I came to the conclusion that there is a very dark truth about me. I am possessed of the devil. Laugh all you want, but it is true. A devil called pessimism, depression, and anger. Oh and let me add to that list lack of trust. Wait, I think that is 4 devils. Yikes! I am pretty screwed up!

My mind had been so completely clouded over with lies. Lies that any rational person would have immediately disregarded. I had far lost any rational thoughts on the matter of marriage that my heart too became dark. One may ask, How does this happen? I will tell you. A little at a time. I can take you back to the very beginning of my relationship with my husband and I can tell you that from the very very beginning our relationship was under attack. I allowed the bombs to enter my mind and heart and eventually bring us today, a tiny little village within my heart completely destroyed by war. I allowed it. I am a spiritual person and believe there is opposition in all things. If there is something so great as love, then there is certainly something as great as hate. Light and darkness, I have certainly experienced both.

I have not lost hope in marriage. I have actually gained some serious insights, or light if you will, on the matter of my marriage. In particular I have finally understand what was happening to me.

I wrote my husband an in depth letter discussing my fears, ultimately my "devils". I have realized that when I admit something to myself and then confide my weaknesses in a close friend I become more aware of attacks made on my weaknesses. Facing trials seems more bearable. And I most certainly come out stronger, rather than weaker by holding them in. Because, previous to my confession I locked my fears deep with in my heart, afraid that if I let them out people would get hurt, which in all reality everyone around me was getting hurt even worse than if I let it out.

The "something" I've gotta be startin' is a documentary of my new path. I am going to take you along. One, I need company, and two, maybe we can learn from each other. How often have you been allowed into someone's life? Someone's struggles? Welcome to mine. I do not anticipate a perfect journey, I understand there will be bumps along the way. But we will experience them together. Maybe laugh, maybe cry, but we will definitely learn.

So, come along as I take you on my journey to a happy and healthy marriage! I will strive to document daily, that I may recognize on a daily basis my progress. As my profile states, this is my world...welcome to it!

To Fly Would Be Grand

With every step I took negative energy was released through my toes. My arms swung with great force to burn off all my anger and frustration locked deep within. I noticed my surroundings, that they were beautiful, peaceful and serene, but I did not give my heart to the hills for fear they too would betray me. The water babbling along through the canal was free, why could I not be free just as she? The ducks that foraged along the bank for breakfast too were free, why not I? I walked on fiercely, my thoughts and emotions driving me further on.

My feet dove straight into the soft sand of the foothills, nothing could stop them or keep them from going farther still. Away from the shade of lush trees along the canal path and facing the dry mountain desert hills, my nerves lose tension as sweat begins to run down my cheek. The sun's warmth is welcome to my icy disposition and I long to climb to the top of the world just to touch the rays that give such warmth! My breathing is staggered as I suck in air so dry my lungs heave and my mouth longs for moisture. I continue forward determined to leave my world behind. The hills are alive with red winged grasshoppers and yellow fuzzy ants and tall sunflowers. The hills' current hiker is dying and longs to be just as alive as its occupants.

I reach a summit. I stop and turn in circles as I take in my surroundings. I look below to where I had come from and see that if I run fast enough back down I may just be able to fly. I take my first step, then another, soon gravity increases and my feet are no longer my own. Up and over hills, around the bend, at every turn insects fly and buzz and click their little bodies out of the path of furry. How I long to be free, free to fly far, far away from here!

I stop, hunched on the ground, coughing and sobbing. I can not fly.