Hopefully More Wise

Yesterday was my 31st birthday. I can hardly believe it. I spoke to my sister just now and she reminded me of "names" I had called her when we were kids. I couldn't stop laughing at my creative cruelty! I completely and utterly could not remember this. I find my memory very interesting. I remember some things as if they just happened, and then I hear stories about myself from other family and just find it hard to believe. Was I truly as rotten as memories recall? Obviously I was. The conclusion about bullies must be true. Bullies pick on others to make themselves look good, feel better, and take their minds off their own misery. I must have been a bully. I was rotten, mean, jealous, angry, and just down right screwed up. Whatever happened to me later in years to give me a clue is greatly appreciated. I cannot even pinpoint the exact experience, trial, or "brick", that really got the sense knocked into me. I don't think I was a bad person, just had a lot ideas about life completely backward and all confused. I chose to post this particular picture for many reasons. One, I just plain and simply love what I did to it. Purple is my favorite color and I love the blue lips, can't really say why. In all reality I feel this photo says a great deal about me. In reflecting on my life I have found I have always had this Dr Jekyll - Mr Hyde thing going on in me. Not in a psychotic way, but in a confused about who I am and who I should be kind of way. I had a friend once who told me that I had an inner wild child who was screaming to come out. I believed her and thought I should let her out. Numerous times throughout the history of Suzanna this "wild child" has escaped. And every time she does I feel evil, sick, angry, worthless, and many other unmentionable things. I felt unworthy of anything good. Especially during a particular year of being single. I felt that I would never be worth anything good. Boy was I ever so wrong. I am a very religious person and can only blame one "being" for this inner turmoil. I spoke with a brother once about an inner struggle. He point blank said, "say it isn't an issue and it won't be an issue". I have thought long and hard about that. The thing with this "being" that wants us to have miserable lives is this...all he needs is a crack in the window/door, and he is in. My brilliant brother took something I had always struggled with and seemed to turn this struggle into a "duh" kind of moment for me. Why had it taken me so long to understand such a basic concept as "he will have the power to bruise my heal and I will have the power to crush his head". Since that time there has only been one instance of this inner "wild child" coming out, the moment was brief, but it had such an effect on me that it made me sick, terrified, and I never want to experience that again. You need to understand something, when I say wild child it most likely is not what you may be thinking, and not to leave this up to your own imagination or anything, but in all honesty I cannot explain what that truly means. I know, but it is not necessary for you to know.

So, by turning 1 year older I have once again found this unexplainable urge to look upon my past and reevaluate who I am. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a sister and daughter. I am a friend. I am a dreamer, a lover, a fighter (sounds like a song). I am complicated yet simple. I am rough and tough, I am soft and gentle.

Happy Birthday to ME!