A Prophet

I am in deep contemplation, even to the point of wondering whether or not to even attempt to write about the subject occupying my thoughts. I received word this evening of the passing of this great man, a prophet of God. He was the leader of my church for as many years as I can remember. He is the only prophet I ever really knew, and now that he has returned to the presence of our Father, I am heart broken, for not having known him better. For not having listened more and paid closer attention to his teachings. I have his biography, I have read an eighth of it, it has sat on my self for 5 years. I am saddened at the lack of effort I put forth in understanding what he wanted me to have a testimony of. I never had the privilege of meeting this great man, but I loved him none the less.


He visited Palmyra New York during my mission. He spoke to all of the missionaries at a special conference. The night before the conference, for the first time in my life, I prayed and asked if President Hinckley was a true prophet of God. I had never prayed to know that before, I just figured it was true. All morning before the conference I thought on my prayer and did my best to remain open to receiving an answer. When it came time to hear President Hinckley speak I again said a silent prayer to know for myself with out doubt if he was truly called of God. And about half way through his talk I knew. I cannot explain for lack of vocabulary and the nature of the experience to be kept special to me. I know with out doubt that he was a prophet of God. And a great prophet at that. I respect, honor, and adore President Hinckley. He lived 97 years, honorably and faithfully. He was married over 70 years to his sweet wife who passed away a few years back. That is something I hope to one day be able to say, "I have been married to my sweet heart for 70 years".


I will miss his humor, I will miss his testimony and the spirit he brought to meetings. I will miss him. I know he has returned to live all eternity beside his wife. I know that he has returned to live with our Savior Jesus Christ and Father in Heaven. I know that death is all part of that great plan, but it still does not make it any easier when a loved one passes away. I remember when I learned of President Hinckley's wife's passing. My heart was aching for him. Every year he lived with out her, my heart ached for him and his loneliness. And now, he has been reunited with her. That makes me happy. But sad, for selfish reasons. I had grown attached to him, I thought he would live forever. I thought I would be blessed with his words for a lot longer. And now, I will finish that book, his biography. Now I will reread his talks and life lessons. Now, I will look forward to learning from the next prophet. I know that whom ever is called to fulfill the calling of Prophet will in fact be called of God. He will be the Father's chosen leader here on this earth. I will honor and sustain him just as I have President Hinckley.


Good Bye President Hinckley, until we meet again.

Christmas

I am finally getting around to writing about Christmas. I got to spend Christmas eve at home enjoying the evening with my family. We enjoyed our usual traditions. This year we had Christmas dinner for Christmas eve. We read the Christmas story from Luke 2 using cute puppets I made a few years back, reread last years promises/gifts for 2007 and wrote new ones for 2008 (these are spiritual promises/gifts to Jesus), the girls opened their Christmas PJ's, and then Kevin and I spent the night wrapping presents.

Of course on Christmas morning the girls were up super early examining the tree and the contents underneath. They were so cute. Kevin and I could hear them whispering and giggling. Within minutes they were pouncing us telling us Santa had come and we needed to get up and go see. Before we open presents we discuss the true meaning of Christmas again to reiterate the importance of this holiday.

For years I had an issue with "Santa" and wasn't sure how I felt about celebrating that portion of this holiday. I have decided this year that I am OK with it. Santa is one of those magical childhood traditions that I didn't want to take away from my girls. I will be OK with it as long as they always know why we really celebrate Christmas. We have taught them well and they understand that Jesus gave us the greatest gifts of all, forgiveness and eternal life, and that we in return serve and give to others we love and those in need. This year we each chose a person off of a giving tree to get a gift for. The girls really enjoyed that. We all wanted to do more, but with our circumstances we did what we could.

We spent the morning eating goodies and enjoying each other's company before I had to go to work. The next morning I was leaving super early to get on the plane to go see my family. We were very blessed this Christmas. It was a very enjoyable day. Oh, we also decided to do something different this year. We chose names and whoever name we chose we had to make that person a special homemade gift. We all really enjoyed that. We each had to think a little harder about what the other person might enjoy and also put a lot more love into it. Kevin drew my name, he made me Christmas eve dinner; I didn't have to do a single thing, it was beautiful!

I drew Emily's name, I made her a picture frame to put on her dresser.
Emily drew Lydia's name, she made her a little doll bed out of an old pillow's stuffing, a box, and an old sheet that we cut up and sewed a pillow, the "mattress" and a little blanket. It was really cute. Emily was excited about learning to sew. Lydia drew Kevin's name, she said, "Dad loves chocolate, let's make him some chocolate", so we made his some awesome chocolate coconut truffles! YUMMY! We all enjoyed that part of Christmas and decided it will be a new family tradition.

My Trip

As I had previously mentioned I had the privilege of returning to my hometown of Webb City Missouri for a family reunion with my siblings and parents. It had been 4 years since all the kids were in the same place at the same time. All the grand kids were present with the exception of my children who remained with Kevin at home. I would have loved for my family to be in attendance with me, due to a financial crunch they remained behind. My kids would have loved to meet their cousins and aunts and uncles. It would have been a lot of fun. Though I missed my husband and children being there I also very much enjoyed being there single. I was Aunt Sue again and could relax and play and visit rather than fuss over my family. I also had a lot of time to myself at various airports due to horribly long lay overs. I read A Tale of Two Cities (a revised version that I sell on my website) and started A Wind in the Door by Madeleine L'Engle (which I have since finished). So, you can imagine how long the lay overs actually were.

The trip had its good, bad, and ugly moments. Good moments obviously consisted of spending time with my family. I love them all, quirks and all. They wouldn't be family with out the quirks. It had been so long since I had seen them all. I had forgotten how much kids really do grow up in the absence of their Aunt Sue. I was so over joyed to see them all. I was needless to say a bit surprised at how much they had all grown. I didn't even recognize 95 percent of them, so upon my being re-introduced to them all I'd reply with a "Holy Cow!" or "Who is that!?" or something along those lines, and followed it with a squeeze. I did have a sibling who found it necessary for the first words out of their mouth upon seeing me for the first time in 4 years to be mocking words at my surprise toward each niece or nephew. But, that is my sibling, that is this person's way of saying "Gee Sis, it has been so long, I have missed you, how are you?" OK, that is what I am telling myself anyway, it takes the edge off! I was in such heaven at seeing my family again!

The bad and ugly were just typical "life" moments. Moments that should not be swept under a rug just because company is over. Life goes on even at family gatherings. There were moments of deep reflection for me. On my past life, present life, and even on my future. I was reminded that if it were not for my parents living in that cruddy little town I would never return. Seriously, who in their right mind looks forward to returning down a memory lane that has no good to offer. I have grown passed all that "wallowing" and I have moved on. I don't want that garbage in my memory any more. I thought I had thrown out the garbage but returning to that town only reminded me of the stench that was apparently lingering. I really just wanted to move my parents away from there so that I could see them more regularly without having to experience that "smell" again.

Anyway, I was there for 4 days and I enjoyed it. Like with all vacations I wish I could have had another one upon my return back home, just to recover from the late nights, no sleep, early mornings, constant activity, and long flights/layovers. I had to work the day I got back and it was a rough week following my trip, so recovery took longer than I would have liked. I had frequent dizzy spells and was quite dehydrated. But, don't worry, I am better now! I am sure you were really worried about me!

Now, upon finishing this whine fest I would like to conclude with this...families can be together forever. That is a gift that is available to all who seek it. I seek after that gift. I love my family...Mom, Dad, Misti, Michael, David, Cassandra, Cathryn, and Nanette and all their children and spouses. I love my sweet husband and daughters. I love my husbands family as though I have spent my whole life with them. I want to be with each and every one of these people for all eternity...quirks and all.

Resolving

Here it is half way into January and I am finally deciding to think about the coming year. This past Sunday I heard a talk that inspired me. I always think in my mind things I want to do, accomplish, or overcome. But very rarely do I actually write them down. And what does that mean? It doesn't happen! So, this year I resolve to write things down, things I want to do, accomplish, or overcome. I will start here. Yes, right here on my public blog. Then maybe, just maybe, one of my faithful readers will feel so inspired to send me a note and ask how I'm doing at my list of things to resolve.

1.Read Jesus the Christ by James E Talmage. I have wanted to read this book for years. I have tried just as many times to read it. But I never was as determined to know Christ in a more personal way than I am now. I'm on chapter 2. I know, how pathetic. But seriously, this book is so deep and Talmage's vocabulary is beyond my knowledge; I have to use a dictionary and reread each paragraph at least twice.

2.Read more good books. Enlightening, entertaining, encouraging, enslaving (if you have read Harry Potter then you know what I mean by that). I have found my favorite books to read are young novels for ages 9-12. That might sound odd for such an oldie as myself (hahaha) but I truly enjoy a good story that doesn't have a lot of garbage added, and this is the perfect age to get that. I also enjoy the classics for the same age group. Thus far my favorite is Roald Dahl, but am looking forward to gaining new loves.

3.Laugh, live, and love more.

4.Worry less, stress less, freak out less.

Well, I think that will keep me rather busy this year. Hope that my resolutions are inspiring in the manner that mine motivate you to make and keep your own.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year...keep resolving!

Perfection

The game of perfection, a classic. I grew up playing the game, I too wanted my daughters to have the experience of playing the game of perfection. The anticipation of the POP is worth the trouble of racing the clock to get all the shapes in the correct spot.

Last night while trying to fall asleep I was, sadly, thinking about the game and came up with something I found rather fascinating and want to share that with you.

So, visualize with me...I want you to sit on the floor with your Perfection game. Good, now flip the switch to stop, turn the timer, push down the table top, gather all your pieces together, take a deep breath, and now, flip the switch. The sound of the timer is tick, tick, ticking, and your heart is beat, beat, beating. You are racing to try and fit the square in the crazy thing that should be a square, the star in the other star that has less starry points, and then there is always that one piece that just doesn't seem to have a home. You have 5 seconds and that board is going to POP any second and you will inevitably jump at the sound of all the pieces being thrown up in force from the board's spring being released. You have 2 pieces left and no matter which way you turn the piece it just doesn't seem to fit in either of the spaces left. And before you figure out the problem, POP, game over.

Am I the only one who has ever thought how much this game parallels life? Yesterday I played the game with my girls, and maybe that was what provoked my thinking. But while playing I noticed that neither of my daughters were able to complete the puzzle on their own in the allotted time. Even I just barely got the last piece in place just before the darn board popped. But when we all worked together we accomplished the goal, whether I was physically placing pieces or just pointing out their home. Sometimes in life we have a partner or a team (family) to help us to accomplish our goal of getting life's puzzle pieces into their proper places. And sometimes we are on our own, no one to back us up, no one to show us where to put the pieces. Sometimes we are playing the game with a few pieces at a time and other times it seems we have 2 games worth of pieces to put into one puzzle. The feelings of anxiety and fear of that inevitable POP, are far more extreme in the real life game of perfection than in the toy. I heard one of my daughters suggesting that they turn the switch off so they could put all the pieces in without it popping them all back out before they finished. Wouldn't it be great to have an on/off switch in real life. Yeah! Your boss gives you a major project to be done in the next 24 hours, FLIP! the switch is turned off and you get the job done before the POP! Your kids are all running around you going crazy, the kitchen seems to have exploded, laundry needs washing, FLIP the switch and everyone and everything stops except you and now you can get things in order before the POP! To have a on/off switch for whatever phase of life you are going through would be the coolest thing ever. If I had one wish I'd wish for an on/off switch.

But, apparently flipping the switch on the board game is not following rules, and very sadly and true, life does not have a switch to be flipped. But in real life, even during those times when you feel so utterly alone, you are never really alone. There is ALWAYS someone there beside you whispering "this piece goes here". That someone could be a quote from an inspiring book, a scripture, a family member, a trusted friend, a spiritual leader, and most definitely and always, our Father in Heaven.

I have found that in my life more often than not, I have 2 sets of pieces to fit into one game board. I realize I am the one who mixed the pieces all together and never sorted them out, but still I have 2 sets and I just can't seem to get any of the pieces where they need to go. Could it be because I am too much of a perfectionist and feel a need for every thing in my life to be such and if not then POP! all the pieces I had in their right places are thrown out and I have to start all over again? Oh how I have wished for that switch, that I might stop time and "cheat", if you will, by getting all my pieces on the board with no worries of the POP. That would of course be the easy way. What would I be learning if I played the game and never set the timer? What would I learn in life if I had no timer to put all my pieces in their proper place?

So, back to my original statement at the beginning, it too applies in life. The anticipation of the POP is worth all the trouble of racing the clock to get all the shapes in the correct spot.

One Word

AUGH! That is all I have to say about the holidays at this time. Ask me again in a week, by then I'll have myself back together again, hopefully. So, until next week...AUGH!

Feels Like 9

Every morning rain, snow or shine my girls and I ride bikes to take Emily a mile round trip to school at 8:30 in the morning. Kevin repeats the ritual at 3:20 to pick Emily back up from school. We do this to get by on one vehicle while we patiently endure these difficult financial times, all awaiting Kevin's successful completion in getting his BA in Physics.


When I woke this morning I figured today would be no different. We have ridden to school in the snow, on the ice, in the rain, the snow, wind, and heat. But I also did not check the temperature before heading out. I prepared the bikes, Emily came outside to wait for me while I helped Lydia get her coat on. When Lydia and I came outside all bundled and ready to leave I found Emily standing on the steps not even budging. We hadn't even left the safety of the stairwell of our apartments and Emily was already crying, frozen like a Popsicle, exactly where I left her when I went to help Lydia. I encouraged the girls gently and lovingly to just get on their bikes and peddle, that they would feel better once they were moving.


With every rotation of the bike peddles a big tear drop would streak their red, frozen cheeks. They were trying so hard to be brave and strong and help me by just getting to school. They could not take the cold, they are so young and little. I had not realized the effect the cold would have on them. We continued all the way to the school. And the entire way they cried and cried and cried some more. And I continued to coax, encourage, and severely apologize.


I remembered back to when I was a kid and walked 2 miles to my school in snow, rain, and freezing winds. Missouri is much more humid and the wind there in the winter cuts like knives straight through any protective gear you might be wearing. This morning felt just like it did when I was a kid. I did my best to keep my spirits up and not give into the bitterness of the morning weather. I avoided looking too closely at my children and their chapping lips and cheeks, I avoided paying to close of attention at how slowly they peddled their bikes due to frozen legs and toes, I avoided hearing their cries and pleadings to go back home, not because I have a cold heart or because I am insensitive, but because I could not stand the pain I was putting my sweet girls through. They should not have to do this. All the while I was peddling to school I was wracking my brain trying to think up some way to avoid this same ordeal on future wintry mornings and still get by on one vehicle.


On the way back home from dropping Emily off at school we passed by a young girl bundled up from head to toe, all you could see were her eyes. I said to Lydia, "now isn't riding a bike faster than walking? We could be walking and we would be even more cold." She replied with the most ingenious answer, "No! Riding in a car would be faster!"


The moment we got home I stripped Lydia's winter wear off and stuck her in my bed, which to her is the coziest of all the beds, bundled her up like a burrito in my blankets and went outside to finish putting away the bikes. Not even a minute had gone by when I heard blood curdling screams coming from inside. I ran in and found her at my bathroom sink just bawling her little eyes out, her hands bright red and frozen. All she wanted to do was run them under the water to defrost them but she couldn't turn the water on. I assisted in melting her hands and comforted her all the while. Once her hands were feeling better I wrapped her back up in my bed and went back out to finish putting bikes away. My heart felt like her hands. I wanted my heart to stop hurting for my daughters, I wanted their pain to go away, but I had absolutely no idea how to fix this, aside from some warm blankets and snuggles. How will we face those future winter mornings on bike or foot? I would do fine, but they would not. Lydia kept wishing it were hot. Hot weather is all my girls know. This bitter cold is so new to them.


Once the bikes were put away in the storage closet I went in to Lydia, we snuggled up in my bed and read a condensed version of Oliver Twist. What an appropriate book to read, and yet at the same time was incredibly humbling. We have a house, we have electricity, we have a heater that works, we have food, warm clothes to cover our bodies, we have bikes that work and do get us where we need to go much faster, we have each other, we have finances to meet our needs.

For an hour Lydia and I remained snuggled up in my bed defrosting our back sides, toes, and hands. I think that the time with each other defrosted us much faster than any warm blanket ever could.


To top off my worries of more days like these I got an update phone call from my father who lives in Missouri. Sunday, early morning, all of my home town lost power do to a huge ice storm that all of the area was inflicted with. I immediately arranged for my parents to stay at a Marriott hotel with my discount. Today I learned that the hotel had lost all power on Monday and my parents were once again staying in an uncomfortable situation. Power is still out at their home and there is a tree branch in their dining room ceiling. The house temperature is 38 degrees and they cannot stay at the hotel because it was all sold out beyond the two days I was able to get them. One of my sisters who lives close by too lost power and stayed at her in laws house until their house caught on fire due to a closed flew in the fire place. I have another sister that lives a little further out. She has power, a fire place, and plenty of room. Sounds like there will be a bit of a gathering at her house until things clear up. We are all supposed to get together in just 2 weeks for a family get together. Apparently another storm is due this evening. My heart goes out to all of them and their suffering. I wish there was somethind I could do.


These past few weeks I have been really miserable and wallowing in that misery because I am a spoiled selfish brat. These past few days have opened my eyes to how truly blessed myself and my family really are. Now all these trials of mine don't seem so huge, they seem trivial. I want to do something to ease the suffering of all the many people who have so much less than I. So, although the temperature outside was actually 19 degrees, with the wind chill making it feel like 9, I know I can make it through my first winter here in Boise, with more sensitivity to others and the fact that life could always be much worse.

A list with no resolve

I recently made a pros and cons list involving the choice that I have made...the choice to work outside my home. It was a difficult decision that together my husband and I made. The initial decision was very difficult, but with love and hope and faith I leaped and I continue to every single day. But the difficult part I want to discuss is the list. I must openly and full-heartily admit that the working life is not for me. I love to be home. So, back to my list, it obviously consisted of 2 columns, the pros and cons, of what?...returning home. The list of pros to come back home full time was enormous. The spiritual and emotional and intellectual list of returning home so strongly outweighed my cons list of 2 items! But when I logically looked at both lists (if you could call 2 items a list!) those 2 items were very heavy. They weighed heavily on my mind, my heart, even my body. But then I looked back at my long list of "whys" to return home full time and saw that those items out weighed the other list by 10 fold, spiritually and emotionally and intellectually. Why could my list of 2 cons weigh so heavily on me? These 2 items are so temporal and superficial and my heart says they do not matter in the eternal perspective of things. But HOW I ask can I assist my family in obtaining our ultimate goals without those 2 items? How do I look past all the many pros of remaining home, the things that make my heart swell, and accept the fact that the only way to survive this current trial I am in is by continuing to work? And while I struggle with this extreme war inside my whole soul my little family continues to slip and fall. I stop to pick them up, I go to work, I stop to pick them up, I go to work. I am exhausting myself with my own life. I feel as though I am trying to climb a mountain of tiny pebbles all while trying to keep my family from falling all the way to the bottom. Of course I am not alone, my husband is by my side but it seems that while we are both struggling to keep our footing the other is falling and we are teetering back and forth between who is the temporarily strong one keeping the other one up while also holding onto Emily and Lydia. The decision before me is dizzying. And while I know that both choices are very important I cannot help but think one is far more crucial to the survival of my family. But, which I do not know. I feel so alone in this struggle. I feel that my prayers and pleading are pointless, that I am required to suffer until I get a clue, which to me seems like never.

Have you ever read the book A Wrinkle In Time? There is a part, the major part, that is about this force that wants to control everyone and make them perfect by making all their choices for them and making their life easier by taking away all that frustration and confusion that comes with life. It is called IT. I find myself actually being draw to this fictional IT. But is it really all that fictional? I find that so often I just want the pain, the darkness that clouds my mind, the coldness in my spirit, the doubt and fear, to just go away. I just want someone to come and take it away. Doesn't that seem so much easier?

If I could have my way I would live the rest of my life serving my family, by NOT working outside my own sweet little home!