I've Gotta Be Startin' Something

I am guilty! I have stolen my title from Michael Jackson. It doesn't matter though because it still applies to what I have to say to you today.

My last entry was quite dramatic. I was experiencing some pretty dramatic things in my mind. I have since decided what better place to work through my drama than here, in my virtual world. What better place to share little tidbits I learn along the way. Who knows? Maybe in some small way I will help my readers face their struggles.

I know, I am going to be getting pretty personal. I am going to be opening up a whole lot of "stuff" that many people don't usually discuss on blogs. So what? Maybe someone should. So, today we shall begin this journey together.

"Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. The title alone makes me want to puke. My initial reaction when I first read the title was, "what about me? What about the proper care and feeding of me?" In addition to this really negative first reaction, my mother-in-law was the giver of this grand book. I thought, "what is she trying to tell me?" The receipt of this book certainly was not positive. And then a month ago, my sister-in-law sent me her copy and recommended it. Again, "what is she trying to tell me?" I am beginning to think my husband's family doesn't think I am taking very good care of their boy.

So, all of this has really gotten me thinking. Am I giving my husband proper care and feeding? My thoughts and feelings go so much deeper than this though. Let me try and explain it short and simple with an attempt at adding some sweetness. (ha, sense my sarcasm in that?)

I came to the conclusion that there is a very dark truth about me. I am possessed of the devil. Laugh all you want, but it is true. A devil called pessimism, depression, and anger. Oh and let me add to that list lack of trust. Wait, I think that is 4 devils. Yikes! I am pretty screwed up!

My mind had been so completely clouded over with lies. Lies that any rational person would have immediately disregarded. I had far lost any rational thoughts on the matter of marriage that my heart too became dark. One may ask, How does this happen? I will tell you. A little at a time. I can take you back to the very beginning of my relationship with my husband and I can tell you that from the very very beginning our relationship was under attack. I allowed the bombs to enter my mind and heart and eventually bring us today, a tiny little village within my heart completely destroyed by war. I allowed it. I am a spiritual person and believe there is opposition in all things. If there is something so great as love, then there is certainly something as great as hate. Light and darkness, I have certainly experienced both.

I have not lost hope in marriage. I have actually gained some serious insights, or light if you will, on the matter of my marriage. In particular I have finally understand what was happening to me.

I wrote my husband an in depth letter discussing my fears, ultimately my "devils". I have realized that when I admit something to myself and then confide my weaknesses in a close friend I become more aware of attacks made on my weaknesses. Facing trials seems more bearable. And I most certainly come out stronger, rather than weaker by holding them in. Because, previous to my confession I locked my fears deep with in my heart, afraid that if I let them out people would get hurt, which in all reality everyone around me was getting hurt even worse than if I let it out.

The "something" I've gotta be startin' is a documentary of my new path. I am going to take you along. One, I need company, and two, maybe we can learn from each other. How often have you been allowed into someone's life? Someone's struggles? Welcome to mine. I do not anticipate a perfect journey, I understand there will be bumps along the way. But we will experience them together. Maybe laugh, maybe cry, but we will definitely learn.

So, come along as I take you on my journey to a happy and healthy marriage! I will strive to document daily, that I may recognize on a daily basis my progress. As my profile states, this is my world...welcome to it!