Feels Like 9

Every morning rain, snow or shine my girls and I ride bikes to take Emily a mile round trip to school at 8:30 in the morning. Kevin repeats the ritual at 3:20 to pick Emily back up from school. We do this to get by on one vehicle while we patiently endure these difficult financial times, all awaiting Kevin's successful completion in getting his BA in Physics.


When I woke this morning I figured today would be no different. We have ridden to school in the snow, on the ice, in the rain, the snow, wind, and heat. But I also did not check the temperature before heading out. I prepared the bikes, Emily came outside to wait for me while I helped Lydia get her coat on. When Lydia and I came outside all bundled and ready to leave I found Emily standing on the steps not even budging. We hadn't even left the safety of the stairwell of our apartments and Emily was already crying, frozen like a Popsicle, exactly where I left her when I went to help Lydia. I encouraged the girls gently and lovingly to just get on their bikes and peddle, that they would feel better once they were moving.


With every rotation of the bike peddles a big tear drop would streak their red, frozen cheeks. They were trying so hard to be brave and strong and help me by just getting to school. They could not take the cold, they are so young and little. I had not realized the effect the cold would have on them. We continued all the way to the school. And the entire way they cried and cried and cried some more. And I continued to coax, encourage, and severely apologize.


I remembered back to when I was a kid and walked 2 miles to my school in snow, rain, and freezing winds. Missouri is much more humid and the wind there in the winter cuts like knives straight through any protective gear you might be wearing. This morning felt just like it did when I was a kid. I did my best to keep my spirits up and not give into the bitterness of the morning weather. I avoided looking too closely at my children and their chapping lips and cheeks, I avoided paying to close of attention at how slowly they peddled their bikes due to frozen legs and toes, I avoided hearing their cries and pleadings to go back home, not because I have a cold heart or because I am insensitive, but because I could not stand the pain I was putting my sweet girls through. They should not have to do this. All the while I was peddling to school I was wracking my brain trying to think up some way to avoid this same ordeal on future wintry mornings and still get by on one vehicle.


On the way back home from dropping Emily off at school we passed by a young girl bundled up from head to toe, all you could see were her eyes. I said to Lydia, "now isn't riding a bike faster than walking? We could be walking and we would be even more cold." She replied with the most ingenious answer, "No! Riding in a car would be faster!"


The moment we got home I stripped Lydia's winter wear off and stuck her in my bed, which to her is the coziest of all the beds, bundled her up like a burrito in my blankets and went outside to finish putting away the bikes. Not even a minute had gone by when I heard blood curdling screams coming from inside. I ran in and found her at my bathroom sink just bawling her little eyes out, her hands bright red and frozen. All she wanted to do was run them under the water to defrost them but she couldn't turn the water on. I assisted in melting her hands and comforted her all the while. Once her hands were feeling better I wrapped her back up in my bed and went back out to finish putting bikes away. My heart felt like her hands. I wanted my heart to stop hurting for my daughters, I wanted their pain to go away, but I had absolutely no idea how to fix this, aside from some warm blankets and snuggles. How will we face those future winter mornings on bike or foot? I would do fine, but they would not. Lydia kept wishing it were hot. Hot weather is all my girls know. This bitter cold is so new to them.


Once the bikes were put away in the storage closet I went in to Lydia, we snuggled up in my bed and read a condensed version of Oliver Twist. What an appropriate book to read, and yet at the same time was incredibly humbling. We have a house, we have electricity, we have a heater that works, we have food, warm clothes to cover our bodies, we have bikes that work and do get us where we need to go much faster, we have each other, we have finances to meet our needs.

For an hour Lydia and I remained snuggled up in my bed defrosting our back sides, toes, and hands. I think that the time with each other defrosted us much faster than any warm blanket ever could.


To top off my worries of more days like these I got an update phone call from my father who lives in Missouri. Sunday, early morning, all of my home town lost power do to a huge ice storm that all of the area was inflicted with. I immediately arranged for my parents to stay at a Marriott hotel with my discount. Today I learned that the hotel had lost all power on Monday and my parents were once again staying in an uncomfortable situation. Power is still out at their home and there is a tree branch in their dining room ceiling. The house temperature is 38 degrees and they cannot stay at the hotel because it was all sold out beyond the two days I was able to get them. One of my sisters who lives close by too lost power and stayed at her in laws house until their house caught on fire due to a closed flew in the fire place. I have another sister that lives a little further out. She has power, a fire place, and plenty of room. Sounds like there will be a bit of a gathering at her house until things clear up. We are all supposed to get together in just 2 weeks for a family get together. Apparently another storm is due this evening. My heart goes out to all of them and their suffering. I wish there was somethind I could do.


These past few weeks I have been really miserable and wallowing in that misery because I am a spoiled selfish brat. These past few days have opened my eyes to how truly blessed myself and my family really are. Now all these trials of mine don't seem so huge, they seem trivial. I want to do something to ease the suffering of all the many people who have so much less than I. So, although the temperature outside was actually 19 degrees, with the wind chill making it feel like 9, I know I can make it through my first winter here in Boise, with more sensitivity to others and the fact that life could always be much worse.

A list with no resolve

I recently made a pros and cons list involving the choice that I have made...the choice to work outside my home. It was a difficult decision that together my husband and I made. The initial decision was very difficult, but with love and hope and faith I leaped and I continue to every single day. But the difficult part I want to discuss is the list. I must openly and full-heartily admit that the working life is not for me. I love to be home. So, back to my list, it obviously consisted of 2 columns, the pros and cons, of what?...returning home. The list of pros to come back home full time was enormous. The spiritual and emotional and intellectual list of returning home so strongly outweighed my cons list of 2 items! But when I logically looked at both lists (if you could call 2 items a list!) those 2 items were very heavy. They weighed heavily on my mind, my heart, even my body. But then I looked back at my long list of "whys" to return home full time and saw that those items out weighed the other list by 10 fold, spiritually and emotionally and intellectually. Why could my list of 2 cons weigh so heavily on me? These 2 items are so temporal and superficial and my heart says they do not matter in the eternal perspective of things. But HOW I ask can I assist my family in obtaining our ultimate goals without those 2 items? How do I look past all the many pros of remaining home, the things that make my heart swell, and accept the fact that the only way to survive this current trial I am in is by continuing to work? And while I struggle with this extreme war inside my whole soul my little family continues to slip and fall. I stop to pick them up, I go to work, I stop to pick them up, I go to work. I am exhausting myself with my own life. I feel as though I am trying to climb a mountain of tiny pebbles all while trying to keep my family from falling all the way to the bottom. Of course I am not alone, my husband is by my side but it seems that while we are both struggling to keep our footing the other is falling and we are teetering back and forth between who is the temporarily strong one keeping the other one up while also holding onto Emily and Lydia. The decision before me is dizzying. And while I know that both choices are very important I cannot help but think one is far more crucial to the survival of my family. But, which I do not know. I feel so alone in this struggle. I feel that my prayers and pleading are pointless, that I am required to suffer until I get a clue, which to me seems like never.

Have you ever read the book A Wrinkle In Time? There is a part, the major part, that is about this force that wants to control everyone and make them perfect by making all their choices for them and making their life easier by taking away all that frustration and confusion that comes with life. It is called IT. I find myself actually being draw to this fictional IT. But is it really all that fictional? I find that so often I just want the pain, the darkness that clouds my mind, the coldness in my spirit, the doubt and fear, to just go away. I just want someone to come and take it away. Doesn't that seem so much easier?

If I could have my way I would live the rest of my life serving my family, by NOT working outside my own sweet little home!

SNOW!

This morning minutes before going out the door for school Kevin yells, "HURRY! It's snowing!" We all ran and put on our coats and shoes and flew out the door to capture the first snow that Emily and Lydia had ever seen! Living on tropical islands all their young lives kind of took away this one magical moment in a child's life.

The snow came down in chunks! I showed the girls how to catch a "chunk" on their tongues. They could hardly do it with out the whole sky seeming to fall in their little faces. They laughed, danced, and squealed as the snow fell harder all around them.

Every morning we ride our bikes to school because Kevin usually has our one vehicle with him at school. Kevin was home on Tuesday, he figured that day should be no different! So, we tried to ride our bikes in the snow. That was hilarious. Kevin and I were having fun but the girls, especially Lydia did not like it at all. Lydia just cried and whined the block that we actually peddled. The snow was blowing so hard in her face she couldn't see a foot in front of her face. So, we turned around and Kevin drove Emily to school. By the time we got the bikes put away and the car started the snow had stopped and was already melting, and rather fast I must add.

We sure had fun while it lasted! We look forward to another adventure in snow, well, maybe, well, most of us do. I think Emily and Lydia would rather do without the snow. They thought it was fun for like 10 minutes. I didn't expect them to have so much fun that they would never want to come inside again, but I did think they would have wanted to play in it longer than the few minutes that they did. I remember as a kid building forts, burying myself in it like people do with sand on a beach, and staying out for hours. It got to the point I was so numb to the cold that I didn't notice it any more. Some day maybe Emily and Lydia will too. I grew up with cold weather, they have spent their few years on beaches and beside pools. Oh, the poor deprived children! I actually would much rather that scene over the winter scene, I think Emily and Lydia do as well. Especially seen as how they both, shortly after the fun in the snow experience, said, I miss Okinawa!

Much Needed Date

Kevin and I haven't been on a date in ages! My good friend kept Lydia for us so we could go goof off for a bit. First we went ice skating. This was only my second time to go ice skating. There was only 4 of us on the rink, so it was quite fun to have it pretty much to ourselves. We are quite spazes (is that a word?) on the ice. But we really don't care, well, at least I don't. It felt good to be a kid for a little while. Remember the last time I goofed off and wanted to act like a kid again? Well, it pretty much happened again, minus the somersault. Kevin and I fell so many times that our elbows and knees were black and blue when we finished. But like I always say, "if you don't get hurt you are not playing hard enough". That saying goes for work as well. The morning after our ice skating adventure my neck hurt so bad! I couldn't believe that all the money I spent on a chiropractor just got flushed down the toilet! At least now I know a few tricks to be a bit more comfortable. I also can't believe how OLD I feel. These several past injuries are really reminding me that I am not getting younger and I need to give myself a real good kick in the behiney and get back in shape or else I won't make it to 40. I was just whining to Kevin today that I will end up being 35 and confined to a couch eating potato chips. I cannot have that! He threatened to take away all of my strenuous extra curricular activities if I continue to injure myself. And that definitely cannot happen. I just don't know what I will do if I cannot goof off every once in a while!

See how happy I am when I am with Kevin being silly? I want to be like this more. This date awakened something in not only me but Kevin as well. We are too young still to be so serious all the time. I think it is not healthy. I am making it more of a point to goof off on a more regular basis. It could be tickling Emily or giving Lydia a horsey ride home from school, or even out of the blue tackle Kevin. But no matter what I will not act my age 24/7 one day longer. I have once again been reminded of how important it is to continue to date the person you marry. This date brought Kevin and I closer. I have missed him. I have missed the sparks that fly when we are together. An older woman at the rink practicing approached me in Kevin's absence asked me how long we had been together...March will mark out 8 year wedding anniversary! She thought we were adorable and it made her miss her new love interest. I sure do love Kevin. He is the love that I always dreamed of as a youth. He is the friend I always called out for. I am so thankful he heard me calling out for him.

This video isn't has hilarious as it was supposed to be. This is my attempt at figure skating. Do you think I should go pro?
Kevin accidentally stopped the camera right before I gracefully fell into the most perfect spread eagle on my back sort of move! It really was graceful too. I just laid there laughing and freezing to death. Getting up was harder than falling!

All tied up

It was the afternoon of a rather quiet day, Kevin and I were sitting at the table just visiting for a bit before I had to go to work. Then, out of no where bursting through our quiet conversation Emily came running into the room, "Hurry Lydia is stuck and needs help" she said dramatically. I figured it was nothing serious so I stayed put while Kevin checked out the damage. He came back within seconds with a huge grin and whispering "come quickly". I reluctantly got up, I was not feeling good and did not want to deal with some thing ridiculous that Lydia got herself into. I came around the corner of the girls' room and could not contain the laugh that exploded out of me. With that Lydia too exploded, but not with laughter. She got so upset that she started pull and kicking and screaming. She had taken Emily's sweater tie and used it to tie her legs to the bed, in the process of her fit she pulled the sweater tie so hard that it had tightened even more around her legs. I couldn't get the knots out because one, they were so tight around her legs and second, she wouldn't stop kicking and pulling on the tie. Kevin ran and grabbed me scissors and I gently had to push the sharp scissors between the extremely tight tie and her swelling ankles. Once the tie had been cut off both legs I rubbed Lydia's ankles and she calmed down enough to answer this question, "what on earth did you do that for!?"

This is the best part! "I wanted to climb the rope to the top of the bunk bed but in case I fell I didn't want to fall all the way to the floor so I tied it to my legs." Can you visualize her thought process? I'm sorry but the whole thing still makes me laugh. I am glad that she did not actually get to the point of climbing the rope and that I was able to save her feet from falling off, but this picture is too perfect for future humiliation. And maybe I am a sick and demented mother, but it really cracks me up!

This was hopefully Lydia's one and only attempt at bungee jumping.

Where is the love?

This evening a female guest came in so happy, friendly, talkative. She is a preacher who travels around to various Lutheran churches as a guest preacher. We struck up a conversation so easily. She was warm toward me and we started to have a good visit. Then she asked, "what church do you go to?" Upon me response she looked away and with that her whole demeanor changed. She would hardly look me in the eye. She became brief and to the point "where are my keys", completely opposite of the woman who had first walked in, so friendly toward me. I continued to be friendly and ask her questions about her travels and preaching and even wished her a good sermon in the morning. She wouldn't answer my questions and just simply took her keys and left. I apologized to her for my many questions, I am naturally a curious person.

A woman of faith. A woman of a christian church. A woman who preaches about Jesus and whatever else it is Lutherans believe. Is Christianity not all about following the teachings of Jesus. Did Jesus not teach the first commandment was to love him and second love our neighbor? Are we not all neighbors? Even if we are of different faiths or beliefs? So, a woman who claims to love Jesus, immediately loses all respect for me the moment she learns of my faith? I have the hardest time understanding why there are people out there who behave in such a manner. Even now my mind is going forward and backward and forward again over why? And it is not just about a persons faith preference, people lose respect for others over all sorts of issues. I recall as a youth not loving all people for one reason or another. As I have mentioned in past posts I have become a different person than I was even 7 years ago. I have grown in many ways. This subject of love is one of them. I think that loving other people, no matter how different they may be, ultimately comes down to this one thing...how much do I love myself? The reason I say that is because reflecting back on my younger years I hated a lot, loved very little. And it was because I believed I was nothing, absence of love for one's self. Once I knew who I was, what I was worth (yes, my worth to a Supreme Being), then I had a whole new out look on life and other people. Knowing where you come from, where you are going, makes a huge difference in your outlook on things. That is why I believe that if one is a true follower of Christ they first love Him, I believe you cannot love Him if you do not love yourself and visa verse (confusing I'm sure, that is why these are my thoughts and not yours). Once you have that it is impossible to not love others. Loving comes naturally.

My curiosity is beginning to get the better of me. Why did that woman's attitude change so dramatically toward me just because of my beliefs?

Just a Dream

There is blackness surrounding me, my body seems numb to everything around. I muster everything I have within me just to reach forward, nothing. I have no strength. Wait, there is a light up ahead. It is getting brighter. Suddenly with the most subtle yet amazing force I become aware of my surroundings. Water, why am I in water? I vaguely remember falling in the pool, but what happened, why can't I move? I think I have become a fish, no, that would be silly, but I think I can breath in the water. Of course not, how could I breath underwater? I think I am alive, I think I hear my heart beating. I will try to breath. Yes, if I take very little breaths I will be able to breath like a fish. That is so silly of me, I cannot do that! Alright, I'll try. I think it is working. Now, I just need to get some one's attention and get help. I still cannot seem to move. I must have fallen in hours ago. Why hasn't someone found me yet.
Under the water I hear faint voices, they are growing louder. Yes! Someone has found me. What is that they are saying? I am dead? No, I am not! Please someone pull me out, save me! I feel several hands pulling me out and gently laying me on the ground next to the pool. I sense their gazes yet see no faces. I feel as though their expressions are burning me alive. Almost as if on cue I am able to move, but this is not how I want to be moving. Why am I shaking so uncontrollably? My whole body seems to be seizing! Oh, what is wrong with me? Everyone around me is in complete shock. I hear their voices but I do not understand, "dead...now sort of alive...somethings not right with her...help...who?"
I cannot speak but I am now gaining more feeling and becoming more aware of my surroundings, I am able to sit up and walk, sort of. I am in a car, where are they taking me. Why does everyone keep looking at me with such fear and horror in their eyes. Will someone please get me blanket? I am freezing, and why am I still shaking?
I recognize this place. This is where I go to church. Why did they bring me here. Who are all these people. A face I do not recognize is right in front of me. This unknown face has hands on my face holding me. I slowly hear, "We...have...brought...you...to..the...elders...they...will...know...what...to...do..."
What to do? What did he mean what to do? I am assisted into the building. More gawking faces and open mouthed stares. Have I turned purple, grown a second head? What is this all about? I am seated at the end of a very long table and there are Elders surrounding me. They are visiting amongst each other and all speaking ceases upon my arrival. The one in charge stands and with some sort of unknown power my shaking calms, my ears are opened. This Man comes around the table, kneels beside me and thus explains, "you have died. For some reason, you are, well, sort of stuck. This is why you are shaking, you cannot hear, you do not have all your senses. Your spirit is lingering when it should not. You are not supposed to be here. You need to move on." He pauses, allowing me time to absorb it all. I speak but with incredible difficulty, "I do not understand, why is this happening?" He continues, "We do not fully understand ourselves. But you are not meant to be here and you need to leave now. Over a hundred years ago an old steam engine train would run through this area. Part of that track runs through this very spot. You must lie here across the spirit of that old track and allow the spirit of the train to take what is left of you away."
"No, No, this cannot be! I don't want to leave, please, No!"
"You must! You are not supposed to be here!"
Tears are pouring from my eyes as if someone just turned on a faucet. The shaking returns, but much worse this time. And once again, I cannot hear. I see the faces of those around me, where is my family? Why have they not come? I scream within myself, no one hears. They gently lay me on the floor and more people gather around. I read their lips and they say "it is time" and "it will be OK". Out of no where I hear a train and feel the shaking of the "spirit tracks" that I am laying across. Fear engulfs me, I cannot stand it any longer. The sounds of the "spirit train" are deafening. "Please stop it now!"
My room is dark, not even a speck of light coming through the windows. "Oh, please let it have been only a very bad dream!" I lay in my bed, unable to move, my eyes moving rapidly across my room looking for some sign of life or light. Nothing. That same feeling of fear has returned with great force, I cannot breath and my chest feels like someone is sitting on it. I call out, "Mom"! Nothing. I call again. And again nothing. I begin to panic and now I feel the only answer is to give into the despair that has engulfed me. I try one more time to call out "MOM!" this time with a force I knew I had not. My Mother and Father both come rushing to my side. My room is filled with a light from the hall. "What is it, what happened" they both ask with wide eyes and a look I'd never seen. "I died" I told them between uneasy breaths and sobs, some might say hysterical. "I died". "And when I woke from the dream, I woke to a sense of deadness in my room. Even a weight was crushing down on my chest". My mother held me as I cried and regained an even breathing pattern. My father said a prayer to give me peace and comfort. I fell asleep in my Mother's arms.

This is a true story. I had this experience about 14 years ago. Though it was so long ago I still see it and feel it as if it just happened. I have never forgotten. It was an experience that causes me to reflect. Not the dream so to speak, but the feeling I had when I woke from the dream. That "crushing feeling" was real. I cannot deny it. I have experienced the feeling of despair and the crushing feeling more than once in my life. I am a fighter, I will not give in.

Senses

The morning before going pumpkin picking Lydia was reflecting on our days in Okinawa and says to me dreamily , "Mom, when can we go tangerine picking again?" Her question provoked longing feelings inside me as well. Okinawa grows a unique tangerine, the best I have ever had. We went every season while living there. Just the smell awakens a deep indescribable feeling within one's sole. That might sound corny but there is no other way to describe this amazing fruit. Just writing about it livens all of my senses. So, to fill this void within each of our hearts I have decided to add a new family picking tradition. We will pick pumpkins. Pumpkins and gourds may not be as fulfilling to all of my senses but it will be just as fun and rewarding in a bonding sense.

I just cannot resist the urge to photograph Lydia. I cannot resist showing off her photos. She inspires me. What I'd give for a high tech, fancy camera and some lessons. I 'd have it clued to me at all times. The thing about Lydia is she makes a great candid subject. But if she knows I am taking her picture she will do something goofy. Can you imagine the photos I could take of her if she never even knew I was there? To have a camera with a super zoom lens I could sit in shadows and just capture every moment of her innocence. I mean not to sound like I favor Lydia. I suppose in a sense I do, photographically speaking only. Emily is opposite of Lydia, she takes nice posed photos, but if I capture her being natural she is usually doing something goofy. Ultimately I have learned that photographing my children requires impeccable timing!

Emily asked me to fix her hair like a water fountain on top of her head. She loved it so much and at the same time couldn't stop laughing at how funny it looked. Lydia asked for one as well, but her hair is much too long to have the same effect of a water fountain. I did my best by just looping it on top of her head. When she looked in the mirror she lost all control. I could not resist getting a photo of their contagious laughs. Even grumpy, serious, old me could not resist the urge to laugh. It may not seem so funny just looking at the photo, but the tears and the squeels were too irresistible. If you look closely you can see the wetness in Emily's eyes. When she really laughs it is so contagious because her laugh is so pure and real. Her whole self is involved in laughing. I smile just thinking about her laugh. Laughter truly is contagious isn't it?