Friday, January 30, 2009

Death

An interesting topic for you today, death. I am on my final week of my first class back to school and it has been all about human development. This final chapter is about death, dying, and bereavement. I am still young but I cannot help contemplating this inevitable event. I want to put down my thoughts about this so that I can think more clearly in regards to the part, "What about my family?". I have always hated the idea of dying young and leaving my family to live long lives without me. I admit, I am greedy and selfish and do not want to share them, not with anyone. They are mine, all mine.

But with this chapter one of the reflection questions asked what we thought of death. My heart was wrenched and torn into a million pieces and I reminded myself again that I am not allowed to leave before my family has grown to a ripe old age and my husband and I die together in each others arms. Well, I sucked up that mentality and tried to think more clearly and decided a very difficult thing. That difficult thing is this...

I could not ever imagine my life without my children and husband. I would be heart broken to leave them. I had never taken the time to think about them and how would they get on without a mother and a wife. I had always felt that if they couldn't have me then they got no one. Young children need a mother, young men need a wife. As painful as it is for me to admit this, I would never want them to suffer and long for a woman in the house just to please their dead wife and mother. I would want them to be happy. I would want them to be taken care of. Ouch, this hurts.

I am done venting this. I am just deciding here and now that I am going no where and if I have to then the woman who takes my place better be DARN AMAZING!!! Oh wait, maybe I wouldn't want her to be better than me, because then my sweet children and husband would forget all about me. So, I'd be alright with her being just OK.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Beaver

So, my absence has been due to the fact that I am now a full time student as well as full time homemaker, amongst other things, and I just don't have the time anymore to write. Any thoughts I have are mere passes in the wind. Nothing ever solidifies and gets put down on paper, or in this case, my blog. I have been more diligent in keeping my personal journal, but even those entries tend to consist of, "BLAH" or "Nada to dada". I even wrote one day "Nada Pinata" because it rhymed. How pathetic.

I am enjoying being back at school. I am learning a lot from this first class. But what I am learning from Adult Development isn't what I wanted to write about today. I have been sick the past couple days and not seriously motivated to pour over my text book as I should. So, yesterday I took a break and went to Netflix to watch a quick episode of Leave it to Beaver, season 1, just to ease some mental tension.

All about Leave it to Beaver...Man were those the good ol' days. I love that boy. So sweet and innocent, mischievous and naughty. Typical boy I'd say. I literally wanted to reach through my monitor and pinch his cheekies. The first episode was a complete crack up. I haven't laughed out loud like that in a while. By the end of the 24 minute episode my heart had been lifted. My nose was still running, my head still throbbing, it all seemed a little more tolerable after getting a good laugh in at The Beaver.

Uh, I guess it's true then. Laughter is the best medicine. Well, the Benn and Jerry's Berry Sorbet did help quite a bit too! OK, so the Sudafed helped the most, but I won't give all the credit to the drug industry because the Beaver sure is funny.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Forgotten

I was practicing a song on the piano yesterday for our church choir ( I am the new pianist, ha ha ha, I can hardly play as it is)and feeling a bit overwhelmed with my lack of skill, I decided I deserved a break from the HAVE to practice. I love to play the piano, I could do it for hours every day. My Grandma Stubbs gave me a book of classical pieces when I was maybe 17 or 18. I hadn't opened the book in years. As I bent over to pull the book off my shelf my heart and mind were flooded with memories of that book, my Grandma, and a promise. The promise means nothing, it was never followed through with. It was the memory that means so much to me. But not only that, it is what I gained because of my Grandmother's promise. My Grandmother, who has since passed away, brought me the book on one of her last trips to my home in Missouri. She sat down with me, handed me the book, and said, "I will give my....to whichever of my grandchildren who learns one of the songs that I have checked as favorites and play it for me" I was floored! I worked hard learning two songs. I was the only one to learn and play a song for my grandmother

Years have since passed. I had forgotten all about the book and all about the promise. I ran my hands across the contents page and noticed all of my Grandmother's check marks. I turned to the first one and played with rusty fingers a song I had long forgotten I had ever played for her. Then I played the next song on the list and I played with all my heart. I played for my Grandmother. I played hoping she would hear and be proud of me, that I could still play one of her favorites.

I realize that the gift that I never received wasn't the gift I was meant to receive. The gift I received is greater than the one lost. I received a love of classical music, I worked hard and learned to play a song that I would have never played other wise.

When I finished the two pieces I sat and thought of my Grandmother and my Grandfather who both had a love of the piano. I never knew them very well, they lived in Idaho and I in Missouri, but I pray that through my practice I am in some way reaching out to them and in some way close to them. Particularly my Grandmother who gave me the challenge in the first place.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year

Late last night while Kevin and a friend were out back at the park shoot off fireworks I sat on the edge of my bed in the dark looking out the window at the humble fireworks display.

My mind was turned to my earliest memory of New Year's Eve. I must have been about 9, the year being 1985ish. My family was living just outside St Louis Missouri at the time. I had a really close friend, Heidi Schultz, who was hours younger than myself. She and I were very close, her family was my second family. I do recall even dreaming of marrying her brother who was just barely older than us so that I could truly be part of their family.

My parents had actually allowed me to go to the city with them for the big New Year's celebration that took place just beneath the Arch on the Mississippi River bank. The memory is so fresh in my mind, as if it was just last night that I experienced it. This memory is more than just an image, it involves all of my senses.

The stench of alcohol and cigarettes on the thousands of breaths waifting down upon my young lungs, the ground so saturated with spilled beverages that my feet stuck to the pavement. My heart raced with excitement, anticipation, and even fear. Fear of the many people crowding me and bonking me to and fro, fear of being separated from my friend and her family. But then the show began. All fear was gone, my eyes were drawn upward and the sky was filled with the most beautiful bursts of color. So many explosions created a smoke filled sky, causing the fiery lights to be illuminated. Half of the beauty of the display was reflecting not only on the river itself but on the St Louis Arch, the emblem of expansion.

I'd never before seen so many fireworks light the night sky, and to have been underneath all of it. Looking up became painful, my eyes like a butterfly net catching not butterflies but falling ash.

I recall the feeling of climbing into my friend's van, the show ending minutes after midnight, my eyes heavy with sleep, smoke, and ash. The night had ended and with it another year and another childhood memory.

Happy times creating memories, happy times learning, happy times serving, happy times making a difference, Happy New Year, happy 2009.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Gifts of Christmas

I cannot believe another year has gone by. What a wonderful and full year it has been. I have so much to say and so little time. I even have a million photos to post and a story to go along with each. I will keep this particular post focused on my thoughts that I want to express at this time.

A year ago felt as though it were a million ago. Last Christmas was the worst Christmas of my life. You may recall me posting about feeling like a scrooge. Which by the way I have read the book now and it is absolutely wonderful and I recommend viewing the Christmas Carol starring Alastair Sim. Very moving. Feel free to go back in time and reread my thoughts during that horrible time for me.

This year I wanted nothing more to make up for last year. I read several wonderful Christmas stories to get in the spirit, A Christmas Carol, Christmas Jars - which I highly recommend and will further mention later on, When Christmas Comes Again, and The Quiet Little Woman and other short Christmas stories by Louisa May Alcott. I also started Christmas far earlier than anyone I know. I started just after Halloween. I sewed and sewed and sewed. Which, by the way, is not like me at all. I have rarely sewn anything in my whole life. Boy did I have fun learning and creating. I also completed all my shopping in November, until Grandma sent a check and ruined the NO STORES THE WEAK BEFORE CHRISTMAS goal. I also did paper craft on wooden boxes, 5 to be exact. I made a paper craft I Love You book for my daughter and together she and I made a cute pillow for her sister. Last year my family started a new tradition of drawing names and the name we choose gets a special home made gift, which explains the last two projects I mentioned. Photos of those mentioned projects will appear at a later time.

The weak before Christmas finally arrived and with it came the smells of orange and spices, amongst other yummy smells. Wassail, spiced nuts, Nutmeg melt aways, Cherry Snowballs, Orange truffles, butter mints, toffee bars, cheese cake with a blue berry sauce, pumpkin pie, and banana cream pie are the many delicious things I slaved over for a weak. I didn't even mention the scrumptious dinner...Turkey, made my mother's way - which, by the way, there is no other way in all the world to make a more tender and juicy turkey, a cous cous stuffing that I invented, sweet potato casserole with cranberries and almonds on top, REAL mashed potatoes, gravy, Frog Eye Salad, my sister's recipe because there is no better one out there, and I completely forgot a fancy veggie so we had cold carrots with an avocado dip.

Christmas Eve Kevin and I were up until after midnight putting together my Christmas present, a piano, oh alright it is a family gift. (If I were to have my very own expensive present and not share, it would be a camera.) After the piano was all put together, dusted and a big bow on top, I took the GINORMOUS box out to the dumpster. With snow falling and the wind not so chilly, I took a moment to slide around on the frozen parking lot of our complex. It was the high light of my week. It was so late that there was not a person or sound other than me laughing and sliding around. I cannot recall a more relaxing moment during the past two months.

Unfortunately the girls are at the age now that they know what Christmas morning brings, NO SLEEP for Mom and Dad. They came in to get us at 630! I don't know how long they were out at the tree but when they jumped on me explaining with great detail and enthusiasm all the many things that were under the tree I figured they had to of been out there for a good several minutes.

Phew, did you catch all that? I was so exhausted by the end of Christmas day I collapsed on the floor feeling like I had jet lag. I literally was in bed asleep by 6pm! I was sad I missed out on the evening fun but I couldn't move without feeling like I might vomit! I even took a Dramamine to get the room to stop spinning. I slept until 730 the next day!

Well, now that I have thoroughly updated you on my amazing 2 months I will wrap this up with an expression of gratitude. The greatest gifts I have are my children, my husband, and my life. I ask for nothing more than that and Heavenly Father has seen fit to bless me with more than I could ever imagine or ask for. The piano is such a blessing to me. It has already filled our home with the sounds of music! We have sang around it and played together. Pianos bring the fondest childhood memories for me and I pray that this new piano does the same for my children.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

A whole lot of Stuff

I have failed again as a blogger. I completely forgot to share our thanksgiving holiday with you, amongst other things.

The first slide show is of our trip to visit family in Vegas. We took the scenic route and boy was it amazing! It was faster and we saw many neat things in those desert mountain, like two different herd of deer (which were also different breeds), a coyote, several large birds of prey, bunnies, and also some plant-life I had never seen, like the Joshua Tree. There was always something to look at. We played travel games, that I bought from my Usborne Company, and the 9 hour road trip felt like 5. It was amazing. The girls didn't even start asking if we were there yet until an hour out. They did ask at the beginning so I explained to them that we would be in Vegas by the time the sun was in the right side windows. Kevin and I both decided that this was the best road trip ever and that we much prefer traveling with older children. What a difference older children make in a road trips.

The next is of our visit with family in St George for turkey dinner. I had so much fun visiting and playing that I forgot to take photos of more than just the girls playing in the rain. The other young lady with my girls is their Aunt. The girls had unbelievable fun in the rain. Emily was the last to poop out. She had a ball! But that girl loves anything involving water!

The next slide show is of Lydia's Birthday. I can't believe I have forgotten to post so many different things! Her Bday started on the Saturday before and ended on the actual day, Monday, in Vegas at Grandma's. We don't do a lot of wrapped gifts for birthdays. Our bday celebrations consist of outings and doing whatever the bday kid wants, well, with in reason anyway. Lydia chose to see Bolt, play at Artist for the Day, use her coupon for Monkey Dooz glitter manicure, and eat at TGIFridays.

Well, with Christmas right around the corner I will call this entry to a close and say, until next time, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Day!"

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

a Funny Narration

A couple nights ago the girls and I were in the car going to Archiver's to get some free prints. For reasons unknown to me the girls and I engage in some of the most interesting conversation while driving in the car. This night in particular was rather hilarious. I just listened, as making my way in the dark, to my sweet girls carry on the oddest conversation known to Mothers. I missed the beginning of the conversation, due to my own day dreaming, so I will just start my narration at the point when I tuned in.

Emily: "I wish I were more flexible like the girl on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Movie so that I can do all the flips and tricks I want without getting hurt or all the practice and hard work."

Lydia: "I am so frustrated that I am not a monkey. I wish that I were so that I could climb onto the top of all the buildings and swing from lights and trees, just like Curious George."

(So, as you can imagine, my ears perked up.)

The seriousness of my daughters' voices continues as their conversation continues.

Lydia: "I am also really worried."

ME: "WHY?" I asked, hoping I didn't cause the conversation to take a turn from serious to silly, because I thought it was too hilarious that my daughters were carrying on such a hilarious conversation without even breaking a smile, they were truly in complete and utter seriousness!

Lydia: "I know I am a really strong and fast girl, but I am worried because I can't learn to fly because I might fall and get hurt and I really really want to be a super hero but I am afraid of getting hurt while flying and doing tricks and stuff."

ME: holding breath, plugging nose, turning blue, just to prevent from cracking up.


Ok, so their conversation continued in this manner and for some reason my questions caused Emily to reprimand me.

Emily: "Mom you are hurting Lydia's feelings. I think she is going to cry. She is really serious Mom."

ME: "I am sorry Lydia, I do not mean to hurt your feelings. Are you really serious?"

Lydia: "Yes, Mommy, I am. I really am scared of not learning to fly because I am scared of falling."

I went on to explain to my girls that they will be able to do anything they want with hard work and focus. I also explained to them that when I was a girl driving in the car with my parents I used to pretend I was a horse and running alongside the car and high speeds and jumping over huge canyons and such. So, imaginations can be wonderful things but to remember what is pretend and what is real.

Since that night, every chance they have had to play together it is spent being monkeys and swinging from tree tops.

Children...AREN'T THEY THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

A Silly Girl

Yesterday my youngest and I spent a bit of time just goofing off. It is probably one of my favorite times being a mother, out of the blue have spontaneous nonsensicle fun.

Here's the story... I was sitting at the computer doing some research for an idea I had for our church christmas party. Lydia was tired of me not paying attention to her. She tried every trick in the book to get me off the computer and messing around with her, whether it was good or bad she got my attention. I decided that I had enough of all her tricks and gave in. She started this whole photo shoot with her own self portrait while sitting on my back (that was one of her last tricks she pulled before I gave in). We had some good laughs while being silly. I love Lydia. I love her silliness. I love how she makes me laugh, when I don't want to laugh, when I shouldn't laugh, and when I really really shouldn't laugh because I should be the parent telling her to stop when it is really not the right time, like when she is in trouble or it is a quiet moment at church.